MarketingProfs' Members Register for B2B Forum 2010 for just $695! (good until 11/30) »

Ask your question ... sign up today! It's FREE!
Copywriting     
 
This question has been closed, and points have been awarded.
How Can I Improve This Sales Letter?Premium Member
Posted By: coupon man on 6/30/2006 6:05 PM (CST) 1250 Points
Folowing is the standard mailout letter i send with the media kit for the direct mail coupon magazine that I sell advertising for... Suggestions for improvement would be MUCH appreciated!

Dear Prospect Name:

**************************************************************

Do you EXPECT your advertising to PAY FOR ITSELF?

**************************************************************

If so, Texas Gold Magazine, the full-color, glossy, direct mail, shopping magazine published by the Austin American-Statesman, is worth taking a closer look at.

Texas Gold delivers more “high interest” content for the consumer. Featuring restaurants, home improvement, health & beauty, auto care, retail shops and so much more, Texas Gold has a thing or two for everyone. This translates into more consumers placing a higher perceived value on the magazine, keeping and using it for a longer period of time. Each magazine has a potential shelf life of six weeks or more.

Texas Gold delivers more distribution for your advertising dollar. The magazine utilizes cooperative direct mail and its unique format to deliver your advertising message and special offers to more mailboxes for far less money than most direct mail products in the Austin market. Your ad in more mailboxes means more new customers walking through your doors and ringing your phones.

Texas Gold delivers the homes you want to reach. It is mailed to over 250,000 homes in suburban Austin ten times a year. Distribution is strategically zoned into five local magazines of approximately 50,000 homes each to allow your ad to reach the potential customers closest to your business or best suited to your target customer demographics.

It all adds up to advertising that works. Since the majority Texas Gold ads feature tracking devices, our clients can track profit dollars brought in by their ad. In most cases, our advertisers renew because Texas Gold is paying for itself and bringing in a nice profit!

Please take a look at the enclosed media kit and call me directly at 979-587-2828 if I can answer any questions or be of service to you.

Sincerely,



David W. Flash
Account Executive

Posted by: deni418 Accepted Answer
7/1/2006 4:11 AM (CST)
All in all a good letter. Perhaps you could change the opening question to a strong statement. Make your advertising dollars work HARDER for you. Next paragraph- With Texas Gold magazine you can... Also don't end your sentence with the word 'at'. (I just did.) Shorten third paragraph. One sentence has 34 words in it . Too much. You don't want to loose your potential clients. Can you work your distribution numbers closer to top of the letter? They are good to know early on and will help to keep their attention. Just some suggestions. Hope it will help.
 
Posted by: Peter Hobday Accepted Answer
7/1/2006 4:26 AM (CST)
Dave - here's the thing. Tear up that standard letter and write an original one. You actually have something important your prospects value that you can trade: information.

Tell them you'd like to share information on how other companies are doing, bringing in leads and sales with coupons.

You don't need to give names, or any confidential information away. But you can draw paralels with other 'similar companies'. Tell them about conversion rates and ROI. Tell them how other companies are growing by using the simplest but most direct of all marketing methods: the coupon.

Any CEO or marketing director worth his salt will want to talk to you. Your letter can be just two paragraphs. Personal. And don't worry - they will want to talk to you. You are their connection with the world of the consumer. Tell them that.

Let me know how it goes!

Peter Hobday
 
Posted by: stlubahn Accepted Answer
7/1/2006 8:37 AM (CST)
I agree with the comments above, overall not bad content just need to revise to attect more attention. Is there a way you can make some bullet points that are easier to read than a bunch of paragraph text? Don't be afraid to boldface some of the key points you want to make.

Add a PS to restate your most important point or benefit.

Can you make a special offer? Your response will likely be 2-3% at best, and your best chance of getting response is with a time senstive offer to the receiver. A special offer also gives you a better way to measure the response to this specific letter campaign.

Steve
 
Posted by: michael Accepted Answer
7/1/2006 10:09 AM (CST)
Dave,

Try this:

++++++++++++
Top 5 reasons why your advertising DOESN'T pay for itself
++++++++++++

1) The content is useless to your target audience.

2) Wasted distribution

3) Insufficient tracking systems


(After each one of these, just a quick note about the importance of each...not sales information about Texas Gold, but useful information that will help the prospect make a good buying decision.)

Visit our website and enter code STINKYADS or USELESSADS to download a checklist/whitepaper/etc that will help you make the best use of your advertising dollars.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++

From THAT list is where you start your targeted sales pitch.


Michael
 
Posted by: rbauman* Accepted Answer
7/1/2006 11:59 AM (CST)
David,

You have to keep you letter short. The length is directly related to the probability that it will be thrown out with out being read.

I would open with "How long does it take for your advertising to pay for itself?" instead of the question you pose. If possible, put some bulleted points after the question with some testimonials or references to your current advertisers and their payback period. (Either get their permission to name them or just describe them - ... a large Dallas furniture store...)

I also think you need a stronger call to action. You must create a compelling reason for the reader to pick up the phone and call you. Either show such compelling payback that they will be astounded (but yet believe your) or offer a discount if they call and mention a code contained in the letter by a certain date.
 
Posted by: deni418 Accepted Answer
7/1/2006 1:58 PM (CST)
hi-

blah blah

blah blah

points:

1.

2.

3.
 
Posted by: Gary Accepted Answer
7/1/2006 8:46 PM (CST)
Agree with Deni 418

I personally started to read it and after reading the first 3 words got bored and scroled down.

Bullet points

I read somewhere that you should stick your sales letter on a wall and stand back 6 feet, if it doesn't make your point when you look at it from 6 feet it is worthless.

Look at the stuff you get in the mail and consider what captures your attention, likely that format will also capture your prospects attention.
Gary
 
Posted by: W.M.M.A. Accepted Answer
7/2/2006 3:06 PM (CST)
Good Advice, and I'll pile on a bit.

You asked a question in the opening that one can answer yes or no. Either way, that's the end of the letter for me. I answered the question.

What is important in your message that your prospects also hold as important? State that.

We all know that advertising, at times falls short of our goals. So, what can we do? We think we have a solution. There are a lot of success stories in the Texas Gold family of businesses...here is one of them:

"I didn't know whether Texas Gold would work for us, or not. I just know, my advertising wasn't working. Their presentation and product seemed logical, so I went with it. The end result was a substantial increase in my weekend business...blah, blah."

Your letter follows traditional "junk solicitation" format. People are tired of that...let it go. Be real. Solve a problem, present solutions without saying Texas Gold so many times....It's way too long. You would be better served by creating 5 or 6 shorter messages, and send them out as part of a PLAN or STRATEGY to increase your sales.

As I recall your posts, you continue to have the same problems. You want to increase your sales. Whether you are the team, or you have a team, I think it's time to create a plan and go with it. I'm familiar with your product, because I live in Texas, my business is based in Texas.

You must differentiate your product from all the other "Coupon" offers. You do that by presenting the successes your clients have experienced.

"Until concept becomes experience, all there is, is speculation."

If we can help, give us a call.

Randall
WMMA
 
Posted by: darcy.moen Member Response
7/2/2006 9:33 PM (CST)
From a potential customer point of view, I'll let you in n a secret, I only care about what you can do for me!

You claim your advertising works, great, PROVE IT! If its so good, why not back it up with a guarantee? Yes, that's right, it your advertising is such a good thing, guarantee the customer a result. Guarantee them at least the cost of the ad back, or you refund the difference (up to 100 percent of what the ad costs). That would get some attention, and it would show you are serious. It also is one heck of a statement about your confidence in your services. I tell you, I hear it from advertisers all the time, my radio staion does this, my TV ads pull that...but when I ask them to back it up with a guarantee, they all run for the hills. I guess none of them are willing to back up their wild claims.

Drop your first two paragraphs, and add you gurantee to the third, and close. There, now your letter is short, sweet, tells the prosepct what you will do for them, and what you will do for them if the advertising doesn;t perform. Sales letter done, and time to simply pick up the contracts and deposit the checks. Right, if only it was that easy.

Darcy Moen
Customer Loyalty Network
 
Posted by: sergiu_yy Accepted Answer
7/3/2006 3:09 AM (CST)
Darcy Moen rules.

The thing with the guarantee is great. But I am not sure about dropping the first two paragraphs. Maybe it would be better just to make them a little bit shorter.

change the word sincerely for respectfully - it sounds more serious.

Good luck.
Serghey from Moldova
 
Posted by: rob Accepted Answer
7/3/2006 11:35 AM (CST)
Here's how I'd edit it....

Dear Prospect Name:

Texas Gold reaches over 250,000 homes in suburban Austin ten times a year. Distribution is strategically zoned into five local magazines of approximately 50,000 homes each. Allowing your ad to reach customers closest to your business or best suited to your target demographics.

Your ad in more mailboxes means more customers walking through your doors and ringing your phones.

Texas Gold delivers more “high interest” content for the consumer. Featuring restaurants, home improvement, health & beauty, auto care, retail shops and so much more. The magazine has a potential shelf life of six weeks or more.

The majority of Texas Gold ads track profit dollars brought in by their ad. Most of our advertisers renew because advertising in Texas Gold is cost-effective and increases business traffic.

Please take a look at the enclosed media kit and call or e-mail me directly at 979-587-2828 if I can answer any questions or be of service to you.

Sincerely,



David W. Flash
Account Executive

--------------------------------------------------

I would second most of the advice you've gotten above. I hope that my edits are helpful and show you a quicker way to get to your point. I would certainly include your e-mail for contacting, since many people prefer that as a first step. (I'm sure others would argue not to, since it's less personal but I'm from the 'make it easy on them school'.)

Best of luck and feel free to contact me with any follow-up questions or if you just want to bounce ideas off of me.
 
Posted by: Deremiah *CPE Accepted Answer
7/3/2006 8:10 PM (CST)
Hey Coupon man,

I hope you're doing great today!

Do you know the qualities a Great direct letter should have? Well if you don't you could almost learn for FREE right here on the internet...did you know that?

"That's right you could learn for FREE" or I could teach you a little.



MOST PEOPLE HATE READING BORING COPY...

I've read many letters that bore the heck out of me. But you know what the really great letters do to me? They grab my attention and say,

"Hey buddy read this!"


GREAT COPY REALLY SUCKS!!!
Not in a bad way...I mean in a really good way. They suck me in --Head first-- all the way up to my tippy, toes.

You know like a tornado sucks in houses, and cars and bikes. That's how a great letter works. Are you still with me? Now think about this...

DO YOU THINK YOUR LETTER DOES THAT?

I could tell you more. But if I haven't kept your attention I'm wasting your time. (And that's what BAD sales letters do.)


A GREAT LETTER KEEPS YOUR ATTENTION...

Reading a great direct mail piece is like having "The World's BEST Sales Woman" right in front of you, guiding you, and compelling you to make the smartest decision you need to make right now.

As a matter of fact she makes it sound so-o-o-ooo good to you, that in the back of your mind you're thinking..."Man if I don't buy this deal from her right now, I'm goanna kick myself".


GREAT COPY TALKS TO YOU...

It's like she's talking directly to you (in this letter) and ONLY YOU using a conversational voice. Do you see what I'm saying?

Do you think your letter does that?

I could tell you more but I'm not sure you're still reading. Are you there?

Well if you are make sure you take out more time with your headline. You should write more than 3 or 4 dozen headlines before you ever go public. I really want to help you because I believe you can write a much better letter. It's in you!

Also remember our only real problem in life is our failure to be more creative than we’ve ever been before. If you “Invent” your opportunity YOU WILL create your future. Is there anything else I can do for you?

Your Servant, Deremiah, *CPE (Customer Passion Evangelist)

PS
no copy can really be too long...just too boring.
 
Posted by: coupon man Author Response
7/3/2006 8:39 PM (CST)
Thanks for all of the wonderful advice! Some really top notch ideas.
 
Posted by: Maitiu* Member Response
7/4/2006 3:07 AM (CST)
Here's a structure worth using.

State a problem your target market has in the headline.
Deepen their pain.
Tell them there is a solution
Explain it succinctly
Show evidence - testimonials, for instance,
Offer a guaranatee.
Spell out your USP.

Use a strong PS

Warm rEgards,

Maitiu
 
Posted by: Tatyiana Accepted Answer
7/7/2006 3:21 PM (CST)

“We are striving to deliver discounts to consumers via a magazine filled with visually appealing ads...with good, simple sales copy...and compelling coupons or offers.”

I would never have gotten that from your letter. But this is you, right? Truthfully, I would never have read it. But there you said and even though it is a little wordy… it tells me more than your entire letter does.

I am a MarCom Manager and get solicited about 10 - 15 times a week for some form of advertising or sponsorship that gets through the gauntlet. I would NEVER read this letter. Why? I don’t have time. If it takes you that many words to explain to me the concept…..you need to rethink your messaging.

What do I look at? Anything that is clever and colourful. Crazy simple I know – but unless someone brings it to me that says I just “have’ to read it, I would have passed this one over. I have more paper on my desk and emails in my mailbox than enough. If it isn’t standing out…. it isn’t getting read.

Pretty vague, I know.

David, I think you need to take a step back and figure out your key messages are and state them – simply and not worry about sounding so professional and … serious. If, “Texas Gold delivers more “high interest” content for the consumer” – show me. Bait me. Use yourself as the example. Make me want to be you! Make me think, hmph – that worked. At the end of the day even though I am in marketing… I am still a consumer who goes shopping at the grocery store and buys because of I like what I see, not because it is rational.


What do I want out of advertising? ROI. How to I get it? You are apparently going to show me, right? Give me stats in a box. You can actually help me track it? Give me the numbers for success.

Poke fun at traditional advertising by being more clever.

Throw out your letter and white board some ideas. If this is a direct mail piece, I think that a yellow post it on a white background with the words, “Advertisements. We get it. They don’t. I’ll prove it – call me. 979-587-2828”
David, Account Executive

The rest of the information is in the media kit.

My suggestion – get a bottle of wine, a white board and just start writing what you want to say, in the simplest terms. You might be surprised what you come up with.

T.
 


Get more answers ... ReTweet this!

Would you like to post a response?
Welcome to Know-How Exchange!
This is a collaborative community. We welcome everyone's participation.
All you need to do is login. Enter your account info in the box above (top right).
Not a member? Not a problem. Register here (it's FREE and EASY).




Know-How Exchange powered by MarketingProfs


Sponsored Links

Buy a Link Now

Just Released ... Download Today!
Just Released ... Download Today!
Look inside
Included with Premium Membership
User Name:
Password:
Remember Me
Forgot your password?

Top 25 KHE Experts
(Copywriting)
mgoodman (4915)
Peter Hobday (4400)
darcy.moen (3862)
Jay Hamilton-Roth (3593)
Frank Hurtte (2320)
PhilGrisolia=Results (2212)
Gary Bloomer (1793)
michael (1423)
Inbox_Interactive (1309)
mbarber (1260)
jkaplan (1250)
CarolBlaha (1145)
D4Demand (1061)
telemoxie (925)
W.M.M.A. (910)
stevea (896)
SteveByrneBranding (855)
thinkmor (846)
shghosh (814)
Deremiah *CPE (700)
Corpcommer (679)
Pepper Blue (658)
Jo Masterson (637)
ASVP/ChrisB (636)
ksalter (629)
Recently Posted Marketing Jobs
Director of Marketing and Communications
Demand Generation Manager
Marketing/Advertising Faculty
Director of Marketing
Market Analyst
Sr. Field Marketing Manager - Business Intell.
Associate Vice President of Marketing and Corporat
Marketing Manager
[more jobs]

Join over 355,000 members ... SIGN UP!

My email address is and I'd like my password to be .

Already a member? Sign In!

My email address is , and my password is .


HACKER SAFE certified sites prevent over 99.9% of hacker crime.