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Please Critique Non-copywriter's Copywriting
Posted By: zawmoo on 10/30/2006 9:19 AM (CST) 250 Points
Greetings,

I have a direct mail postcard that I would like critique on. Please critique anything you want; design, writing, offer, marketing etc. The market is clinics, medical offices, dental offices and so on.

Front (http://www.getcogent.com/sample/front.pdf)
Back (http://www.getcogent.com/sample/address.pdf)

If you want to, you can even visit the website and critique the entire site. Please do note that even though the web design and other pages are pretty much final, the front page is just temporary. There will be a lot more changes to the web site.

Please keep in mind when you critique that
1. English is my second language.
2. I know my English is just average.
3. My profession is not even copywriting. It's computers.
4. I can take constructive criticism well, but not attacks.
5. I guess you can tell from my postcard and website that I keep my messages short and simple because of the busy characteristics of my target market.

Thank you very much.

PS:
If it matters, I'm not even targeting high response. I just need about 1% who will take advantage of the offer and half of that who will become paying customer.

Posted by: jamie Accepted Answer
10/30/2006 10:30 AM (CST)
Your copy writing is fine. Your messaqe is clear, to the point and works quickly. That said, I wonder in general if you have caputured the most powerful message you can offer. Hiring any competent IT help would make a medical clinic run smoother. Why should they hire you? Mostly people hire services based on "people reasons" -- relationships, emotional benefits, etc. A totally rational benefit is only part of what they are buying.

Otherwise, good stuff. Good luck!
 
Posted by: zawmoo Author Response
10/30/2006 11:12 AM (CST)
Hi Jamie,

Thank you for the quick reply.

I agree with your point about providing strong reasons for why they should hire me. I didn't want to put that in there because the space on the postcard is very limited and if I cram these into my postcards, my prospects wouldn't even read it (well, they still might not read it as it is now). I added the Microsoft/Cisco partner thing to add a little more credibility. To provide better reasons to hire me will be the job of my website which I'll be updating with articles, case studies, certifications, testimonies, etc to compliment my marketing.

Another reason is just like you said most people hire on relationships. Since they don't know me - if they are as cautious a buyer as I am - I can talk all I want about how good I am, how reliable I am, and all the glowing testimonies, in the end, I'm still a stranger. The only way they will know for sure is if they try me out. With my two free visits, they might be more likely to try (I hope) than with most of the "free initial PHONE consultation, free quotes, free 1/2 hr consultations, etc."

As it is, the cards are more like presale, rather than sale. The real selling is when I do a great job for them for free.

I appreciate your suggestion. It's my first time and I hope I'm thinking/doing it right.
 
Posted by: mop Accepted Answer
10/30/2006 11:43 AM (CST)
Here are my thoughts...
I edited your copy some...

It’s hard to help patients...
... when your computers aren’t working well.
(make the headline a statement... much stronger than a question)

Whether you have been looking for first-rate computer support
or just simply need more than you now have, your wait is
over.
Call today and get your computers in perfect working order with two free onsite visits!.

With an offer this good, you need to act right away. This
invitation will not last forever.

Put in a dashed box, sort of like a coupon and say
............................
call 1-800-123-1234
and get
2 Free Onsite Visits
(list your offer details)
.........................................

I would print the 2 free Onsite Visits in red) this is ther real offer and it needs to stand out.

Also... get yourself a clip art or photo illustration of a sick computer with a thermometer.

I think you did a pretty gopod job considering you aren't a copywriter and a graphic artist.
 
Posted by: mop Accepted Answer
10/30/2006 11:48 AM (CST)
sorry about the typos... that's what I get for typing too fast.
 
Posted by: zawmoo Author Response
10/30/2006 1:30 PM (CST)
mop,

Thank you very much for your suggestions. Your version is definitely easier to read and flows a lot better. My wife's in healthcare and she always has problems understanding my writings!

Great idea on a sick computer graphic! I'm going to make the changes you suggested.

You're right. I'm not a copywriter. As far as graphic artist, actually, I am sort of. I'm formally educated in graphic with 1-2 years of corporate experience but been making a living with computers because it's my stronger skill and also because I can't let all my certifications go to waste :D.

I'll update with the changed version again as soon as I'm done, today.
 
Posted by: shghosh Accepted Answer
10/31/2006 12:11 AM (CST)
I like the suggestions made by "mop". I will add:

Call to Action: Needs to come across more strongly. Put in a deadline by which the offer expires. You will get more responses that way.

The Microsoft Cisco partnership- will they allow logo usage? Till you build your own Cogent brand, get a rub off from theirs.

Consider putting in a Heart Beat line ( as shown by heart monitors) in red through the front and back of the headline and subheadline- makes it prominent.

The Front page could also have a graphic of blue overalls with a stethoscope.
 
Posted by: zawmoo Author Response
10/31/2006 6:14 AM (CST)
shghosh

Certification logos: Yes. I can put all the logos for certifications I have.

Microsoft partner logo: I'm not at that certified partner level to use a logo. The funny thing is the registered partner is the lowest possible level (free). But, when written out, it sounded even better than certified partner :-).

Cisco partner logo: May be. I'm not sure.

However, when I check with 2 doctors, they both told me, "I don't care what these small tech logos are. I don't even look at them. But, if you have it written out in words, I get it."

So, that's why I have reserved putting logos to only on the website where space is unlimited.

Agree with the heartbeat image.

Will it be applicable if my target also includes dentists, chiropractors, optometrists, podiatrists, acupuncturists, psychologists, nutritionists and speech pathologists? My list consists of these plus a few more. Frankly, I don't even know what some of them do. :)

So far the only common word I can find across them all is "patient." I cannot think of a common graphic applicable through all these specialties.

mop

The picture of a sick computer is sure hard to find. I only find 3 out of half million cliparts I have and they don't look that good. Looks like I need to make one by combining two or more.
 
Posted by: zawmoo Author Response
10/31/2006 11:16 AM (CST)
Some changes have been made and now I have two versions. I'm not sure which is stronger. Or they might both be bad.

Version B (front)(back)
Version C (front)(back)

Thank you.
 
Posted by: Frank Hurtte Accepted Answer
10/31/2006 11:54 AM (CST)
your design and wording is clear... but i agree that it needs to include a stronger message on your value...

Broken into dollars, hassle factor, and other.

I like like the same week response idea.
 
Posted by: zawmoo Author Response
10/31/2006 12:23 PM (CST)
Thank you Frank. You've just given me new additional ideas to enhance my copy. Very much appreciated. Will make some changes as you suggested. "save $500 for your practice just by making a phone call from your desk" etc.
 
Posted by: mop Accepted Answer
10/31/2006 6:50 PM (CST)
Love version B. Great job!
Love the colors, layout, everything.

Don't like the reference to flatling in Version C because it is way too serious and belittles the doctor somewhat.
 
Posted by: zawmoo Author Response
11/1/2006 8:43 PM (CST)
Thank you mop for your help. I'm grateful for the helpful suggestions from everyone. Since I've already printed them, I'll close this thread, but will update on how it does.

Thanks all.
 


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