MarketingProfs Know-How Exchange : Can You Improve this Sales Letter?

Steve - yours is a wonderfully puzzling question! There is no answer, of course, but here are some pointers:

1. No-one can guess if a letter will work. You can only tell by the response it achieves

2. Your letter, however, probably isn't as good as your design work! (Different expertise required)

3. Your request that the reader visits your website diverts them from your primary purpose: to contact you for a discussion.

4. Your target market will have seen thousands of similar letters, so I suggest an alternative approach to ensure your prospects pick up the phone.

5. For 'An alternative approach' to be effective, you'll need an effective copywriter.

6. Don't mean to be negative! It's just the way these things go. I'm a writer, so I wouldn't try to design a magazine for example.

Best wishes

Peter Hobday

Just being honest here... I didn't read the whole thing because it's too long. And I fall into your target audience, so I wanted to at least skim this letter to provide you with some insight.

To me, the parts of this letter that jumped out were:

- YOUR LEADING ?s AT THE BEGINNING
(though the phrase "killing off" may be too strong - carries too negative a conotation... when I read that, I thought, "I'm not 'killing off' any of my business, I would never do that" - you make it sound accusatory, as if by not redesigning marketing materials, mgmt. is making a poor decision that "kills off" their business... which is true in a way, but there has to be a more tactful way to say this.

- YOUR OFFER FOR THE FREE RESOURCES FROM YOUR WEBSITE
Our company has tested the direct mail waters with free white paper offers and on those mailings with those free offers, we have seen the highest response rates of any direct mailing. We've found that once people receive that information from you, they are more willing to talk with you in follow-up situations.

Nothing else really jumped out at me.

Carolyn

I agree with what Peter said: " your target market will have seen thousands of similar letters...." you need to find a way to stand out.

If i was the recipient of this letter i would not have read it all, i would scan through it to see if anything stands out.

An initial letter should not be made with the attempt to sell your product or service. It's intent should be to spark up interest in your target market.... instead of sending a long letter telling them why they should use your company maybe you can send them a sample of what you do.... or if that's too costly you can still send them the letter but cut it down!

Keep the letter short and simple. List the benefits of using your company, make them aware that it is to THEIR best interest in using you...

Remember don't try to use this letter to sell them your service.... use the the letter to get a reaction (curiosity and interest in your service), the follow up call will schedule a meeting, the meeting will SELL!!!!

Josie

Dear Ozdesign,

I've worked for 15 years agency side (branding + package design) as well as client side (Marketing Director). My biggest comment is this - when I speak with a company who professes to be an expert in a certain field, I expect to see them demonstrate their expertise in how they approach me as a potential client.

You state in your email that your expertise lies in "CREATIVE COMMUNICATIONS". However, your letter can be greatly improved in both instances (creativity & communications). Here are a few of my comments:

1. Who are you targeting with this letter? A sound marketing initiative should be strongly routed in strategy (i'll touch on this in other points as well). You need to clearly define who it is you want to speak with. From the tone of the letter, it appear you are targeting business that do not have a strong marketing focus or unsavvy and young marketers. I say this because no marketer worth their salt thinks their "marketing tools aren't doing their job" - that's what they're there for. Put yourself in your prospective targets position. Marketers are looking for results. If you want to take the angle that their brand communications are not doing an effective job, then don't take a generic approach to the letter - be specific, do an analysis on their brand.

2. The letter is far too long. Cut it down to 3 pgphs max. Change some of the copy to bullet points. Create a service wheel to clearly communicate the services you offer. I'm not sure reading this whether you do packaging, web design, brand planning, etc or all of the above. This should be clear to a prospect.

3. Make the letter creative - you've indicated you'll include a portfolio that will showcase your work, but use the letter to "sound" creative. Grab my attention!

4. Why not send the letter via email. Create a link that will drive traffic to your website. This will allow you to measure click through.

5. Speaking from experience, your FREE offer "Design Tips for Better Business" is no offer at all. Virtually every agency worth their salt offers points of view on design / strategy on their websites for free.

6. Remember, just as you probably communicate to your clients, a brand lives beyond the package, the logo, the ad, etc. A brand must be clearly and consistently communicated throughout every single touch point. Reading your letter, I'm not sure who you are or what you stand for.

7. I'm a BIG believer in 2 way communication when prospecting. A letter is extremely passive, you can't measure warm results, and it's hard to cut through the clutter to get someone to notice you. I'd highly recommend that you call to follow up on the letters. Use this opportunity to find out more about their business, their challenges, and their drivers to work with an agency. This will help you craft better communications in the future.

I wish you the best of luck & I hope that my comments will help.

Very best regards.

I also think the letter is too long. Opening with a question is fine, opening with 4 questions is too much. If there are 4 different issues, perhaps you should have a mail campaign with each letter addressing a different issue.

If you are asking people to register on your website and provide name and email address, you should at least include a footnote in the letter regarding your use of that information and your privacy policy.

If the intent of your letter is to drive people to your website, I think you need a stronger call to action. The present one may be fine, but it is buried within a long letter (unless you will use graphics or different font to draw attention to it).

I would do away with the three questions and go straight to what you can do for them. The questions are the part that makes it sound like one of the 100's of junk mailings I have read, received or thrown away over the years.

That being said, remember a letter not sent gets zip response. Don't be discouraged. If you do not have time to re-do the letter. Send 50 copies out as an "pilot project" test.

Frank Hurtte

I like Lara's answers...and I'll add my own comments.

Why would you write a letter? With all of the creative vehicles out there and the ability to do something truly creative - a letter seems a little beige. Yes, I do mean beige.

What you really want to do is a direct marketing piece that will cut through the clutter of all of the other B2B correspondence your prospects receive.

My friend is a photographer and with minimal budget, I have seen him develop some of the most creative, "get on the radar screen" marketing pieces in my career.

Anything from hand carved rosewood boxes with an intricately designed fold-out piece demonstrating his portfolio, to his latest effort which is a series of short 30-second movies that mixes his photographic ability with a quirky comedic spin that will be used for an online, grassroots marketing strategy.

Simple, focused and effective.

Getting new clients can be as simple as a three-tiered strategy:

Step 1 is getting on their radar screen and making them aware you exist.

Step 2 is building credibility, meeting with them and showing them your not some schlep, but you have real value to bring to their business.

Step 3 is asking for an opportunity to work with them by finding an identified need for improvement in their business as it relates to what you do.

You want to create demand and the way to do that is by making your prospects aware that your services are necessary to their business objectives and you are the best at what you do.

Geez, I love this forum, don't you?

Thank you to all who have answered so promptly with your valuable suggestions. I'll clarify a couple of points and respond to some comments.

1. The intent of the letter is to have recipients receptive to the follow up call and make an appointment to discuss their needs. We assume prospects will have viewed the portfolio included and perhaps visited the website. If a prospect is so keen that he makes his own appmnt, that's great!

2. Several experts have observed that the letter's too long. Physically, it's actually just one page in 12pt type. But I'll take rb and Frank's advice and cut out the secondary questions. What other bits are superfluous?

3. ck and lara suggest that the "tone" is not appropriate for experienced marketers. So I'll take those out of the audience and restrict it to the "unsavvy" types. This is the "pilot project" Frank refers to. Is it suitable for CEOs of SMEs? If the "killing" is too strong, how would you phrase the question to make the point?

4. ck says that she gets a good response from the free resources. Thanks, I needed to hear that! Because altho' competitors do utilize similar techniques, they're the exception in this geographic region.

5. matt makes good points about creative vehicles. The restrictions are: no time; no budget; must use existing materials; names and street addresses only, no access to email. But I can use the outer envelope. Should I?

6. josie and lara say that the letter shouldn't try to sell, but should grab attention. If it doesn't already, how so?

Further comments again, gratefully received.

I agree that the 4 quuestions at the front are too much.
And there nneeds to be a smoother blend between problem and the solution you promise the reader. I see the 4 questions as yes or no answers without dramatically, or succinctly presenting the problem.

Then theere needs to be more dramatic solution to these problems. As soon as I start to read that 'we've specialized in yada yada for over 20 years' my eyes glaze over.

No we, us, our. What is in it for the reader? What will you do for them?? How will their life be better as a result???

Toighter focus on dramatizing the problem, and then, liike a magician's act, making the solution appear.

Best of luck!
TK

Steve - realistically, there is no way you can work your way through all that advice and come up with a good sales letter.

Effective copywriting is a minefield.

So go for an average letter, and send out what you have. Tell us how you got on. That in itself will be the best lesson you will learn.

It's how I learned, anyway.

Peter Hobday

I also feel that this letter is too long. I felt like the beginning was a little negative and I would probably feel slightly offended...even if my efforts were not effective. In my business, it seems like you need people to feel good and think they are just "something else". Then you start your pitch and as said earlier..."poof...make the solution appear to their problem."

ok, I don't want to repeat what everyone said in here, but I have 3 small points:

1. The letter is long. I thought three times before reading it. present the problem in one paragraph, present the solution in the other and the call for action in the last paragraph.

2. To get the reader to even start reading, consider having a catchy title, I don't see any titles in this letter (unless it's the starting question).

3. While the white paper offer is very relevant, I feel offended when someone is offered to me for free but the price tag is on. I think it's better to offer the white paper and eliminate the $89 price, they care about the content, not the fact that they got something worth 89$ for free.

I almost always manage to crack a smile whenever I see a creative agency looking for input how to improve their creative on this forum. :-)

First off...you are in the design business, you should know this stuff inside and out..what you need us for?

Second, the only words you need to use in your 'sales' letters is to steer the prospective customer where you want them to go.

The way I would write my sales letter is:

Your brand is all about you, and nobody else. Sure, we could show you a portfolio of work we have done for other people, but how would that show you how we see you, or how would that show you how we see others seeing you?

You

Ask us to show you how you look.

Call ###-####

Small print (if you have to peek, our portfilio is online at.......)


Yeah, I saw show me what you can do. Show me some commitment, and show me you KNOW what design is about. DO more than the other guys, put some of YOU on the line. I think you'll find that the right customers will flock to you, because you put yourself out first, and you'll get way bigger money for your work.

Darcy Moen
Custoemr Loyalty Network

Read the "Ultimate Sales Letter" by dan kennedy...the entire book is a 28 step process for crafting letters that sell...

also...one letter may not be enough... try to plan a series of letters, post cards, emails, etc...

you may want to look into dimensional mail, inserting a trinket in the envelope to make it "lumpy", or odd packaging...for example, you enclose your letter in a mini-trash can and mail it to top prospects with the message "throwing money away on bad design?"

Hi Ozdesign,

I would say that you have a great question ... you are only offering 125 points for this, but you have tons of responses. You may be getting beat up a bit, and I think many others would be having the same problem with this.

I will take an alternate view. I am not sure that your letter is too long. Maybe lacking a bit of punch, and as one of the respondants said, I am not too sure what you are offering ... logo design? Package design? Creative writing?

In a letter, don't give them a choice of your services, tell them what they are going to buy from you.

Also, you are using the fear card a bit "Your marketing is not working", but I always like to focus more on profits. Can you tell them what you have done for past clients? A testimonial or two?

Also, again on the length. I don't think the length is too long, it is just that the letter is a bit too unfocused. One of the forum members noted that they would scan the letter for something of interest, then bin it. This is very true.

One way to keep your letter long (but giving them a lot of information in the mean time) and have them focus on the important parts is to hightlight the really important areas of interest in yellow. This is a cheezy thing, but it works. I don't care how cheezy or outdated tactics are if they still make money.

2 - 4 sentences or phrases, that is all. That way when they scan the letter, they only see the interesting parts first, then will decide if the letter is worth reading or not.

As for your envelope ... it seems there are two ways to go with it. If you are sending it to small businesses, then I would put some message on the envelope if you have a good one. If you are sending this to corporates, then make sure that the envelope looks exactly like a bill. This helps it find its way into people's inbox, and not the recycle bin.

Cheers!

Thanks to all who responded to this question. There's a lot of advice here that we'll try to follow through on.

Steve