Question

Topic: Copywriting

1 Letter - 2 Versions: Will You Critique Them

Posted by Anonymous on 9/22/2006 at 11:28 AM ET 250 Points
If anyone has time, and is willing to volunteer, I 'd like to ask for your critique on a letter that is being sent to parents of new students at a university. I have 2 versions of it written by 2 people. They used the same criteria to compose the letter, so the letters are very similar. But I feel this is an excellent exercise in analyzing good copywriting techniques. I am looking to this group as a credible unbiased entity for comments that can be shared with the two copywriters and their supervisors.

If you are interested in participating, please contact me using the email address in my profile. I will send you a PDF of the letters.

Thanks.
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RESPONSES

  • Posted by Frank Hurtte on 9/22/2006 at 11:34 AM Accepted
    Popeel... I am game
  • Posted on 9/22/2006 at 6:38 PM Member
    I'll take a look...

    dman
  • Posted on 9/23/2006 at 11:57 AM Member
    I'd be interested in looking at them. But I can't see how to find your email. It's not displayed in your profile. I think mine is! If you want to send me the pdf, I'll take a look.
    Marge
  • Posted by Harp Arora on 9/23/2006 at 1:40 PM Member
    I'll look too - my email address is in my profile...Harp
  • Posted on 9/25/2006 at 9:08 PM Member
    I'll be happy to help. My email is in my profile. Regards, Sandra
  • Posted by Harp Arora on 9/26/2006 at 9:50 PM Accepted
    Hi Elliott, my detailed response:

    I find version 2 much more effective and easy to read.


    Version 1 (Student letter Sept 06)

    This was a tough one to get through – I must admit, I wanted to stop reading it after paragraph 2

    Length – feels way too long

    Font - too small – should be 11 or 12 (it seems to be 10 right now)

    Very internally-focused – all about the bookstore, no compelling reason why a parent would be interested – doesn’t answer the WIFM

    Style is very formal and stiff – e.g. I find the use of the phrase “your student” bizarre – it seems like a phrase you would use with a teacher or professor, not a parent.

    I’m not fond of the opening line “I hope everyone is settling into the new semester.”– it’s like a telemarketer opening with “how are you today?”. It doesn’t say anything and people know it’s just fluff before the person launches into their sales pitch.

    I do like the use of headers (even though it adds to the length a bit) – although I’d suggest making them more benefit-focused

    If the letter could focus on the 3 most important things, that feels about right in terms of length

    Version 2 (4elliott)

    Much better – I actually enjoyed reading this and felt like some real benefits were being discussed!

    Liked the conversational, friendly tone

    Really liked the opening line – makes it immediately about the reader and connects with their challenges and how they feeling emotionally...like the use of the question as well, and the rest of the body copy feeds in nicely to help the parent with that specific challenge

    Really like “I had the opportunity to visit with a few parents...” – nice storytelling, connects the audience with the person writing the letter, and shows this person actually cares about what the parents want

    Font – also small – need to bump up to at least 11

    I think headers on this version would be helpful

    I still think it needs to be cut down to convey 3 or max 4 key items rather than 6

    I would suggest removing “my goal was to be brief...” because it’s just saying the person didn’t meet their goal. Transition straight into – “we want to make sure you have the information and resources you need to....”

    Hope that helps! ...Harp
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