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Topic: Copywriting

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Brochure Copy, Need Some Help.

Posted by Anonymous on 250 Points
I have been working on a brochure for our dog training business. In one section I have a few questions with answers (these are common questions we get on the phone). I'm having trouble with this one, I'll post what I've got(in quotes) and then put my questions after.

"What should I look for in a trainer?
Experience and proven accomplishments. Our team of nationally recognized trainers has earned multiple titles on many different breeds of dogs in several venues of dog competition and certifications. Ranging from AKC obedience and conformation to field trials and hunt tests and even through the exacting standards of Schutzhund and K9 training; we are proud to say that no other training team in Georgia has the same depth and breadth of experience and knowledge as the WolfBrook Team!"

If I left it as is, I would like to know if I should use has or have in the second sentence? One assumes team is the subject, the other assumes trainers is the subject (or direct object I can't remember the difference anymore :)).
I realize the part starting with "Ranging" is a long sentence and probably incorrect but I couldn't figure out how to include all this info (which is pretty important with the type of clients we work with).
Would love any input,
Annette

  • Posted by mgoodman on Accepted
    My quick-edited version:

    ================

    "What should I look for in a trainer?

    In a nutshell, relevant experience and a solid track record of success.

    The WolfBrook team has earned multiple titles on different breeds and across a range of competitions and certifications. These nationally recognized trainers have delivered top spot for AKC obedience, conformation, field trials, hunt tests, and even the demanding Schutzhund and K9 training.

    We are proud to claim a depth and breadth of experience and success unmatched anywhere else in Georgia.

    ================

    If you need more, it would probably be best to engage a professional copywriter. This stuff is important.

    P.S. "Team" is singular in common US-English grammar. If you want plural, it would be "Members of the team are ..."

  • Posted on Author
    mgoodman, Thanks so much for the quick response. I like the way you reworded it and made it more concise.
    I had a professional copywriter (we've had 2 actually) but the final product always sounded so milk toast and cute. I think as soon as people think "dog business" they immediately think all cute and paw prints. We ended up re-writing so much that we finally gave up. Maybe I just had the wrong folks.
  • Posted by mgoodman on Moderator
    It's a good thing you provided the copywriters with a tight Creative Brief up-front. At least that way you didn't have to pay them for work that didn't deliver on the specs (in the Creative Brief).
  • Posted by Moriarty on Accepted
    Good morning, Annette,

    This isn't quite an answer to "what should I look for in a trainer" - do you really get people asking that? It's not something I asked when looking for puppy training. To my mind they'd ask things like "what can you train my dog to do?"

    Anyway, I've written something that is "my take" on what you're communicating.

    ***************************************

    Our team of trainers will train your dog do what you need him to do, when you need him to do it. We're not just saying this, after all, our trainers are experts. Not only that, their dogs have earned title after title, prize after prize right across the country. Trained dogs for the Schutzhund and field trials - or to just sit by the roadside without being bid. The Wolfbrook Team have trained dogs at every level and will train your dog with as much care.


    ***************************************

    Which brings all the expert stuff down to earth a bit. After all, most people just want an obedient pet, not an expertly trained gun dog.

    What do you think?
  • Posted on Author
    mgoodman,
    I did pay the copywriters I used. I ended up using some of the stuff for other things (handouts of class descriptions for example). I also gave their names to some fellow trainers and daycare owners who do cater to more companion dog owners (as opposed to working dogs) and they did a great job. We really are an odd niche I guess geared toward people who train and compete in a more European style. The guy who did our logo and some tshirts actually came out and spent a day at the club watching training and a small competition. He was just interested in it, and asked if we would be ok with that, which of course we were! I couldn't very well expect the copywriters to do that, I know they are busy.
  • Posted on Author
    Moriarty,
    I have that question as well, just worded a bit differently but I like yours better (of course :)).
    We do get the question about qualifications and accomplishments regularly. There is a preponderance of trainers in the area who took the 3 week course from a big box pet store and then hang out a shingle. Or the really good Agility Trainers who think they are now behaviorists. Since there is no actual national certification program, people in the know (working competition folks) want to know what we've actually done. How many K9 teams we've certified, how many times qualifying for regional or national events, etc.
    After reading your response, though, I think I will move the qualifications question after the question about what the dog/handler will learn.
  • Posted by Jay Hamilton-Roth on Accepted
    Are you looking to try to get anyone who's wanting training or just those who'd appreciate "high-end" training? If the former, then you need to initially tone down your "fancy" offerings. If the latter, then I'd ramp up the tone of "we're for the sophisticated dog owner". And if you do both, then split your message accordingly.
  • Posted by cookmarketing@gmail. on Accepted
    All good advice, just make sure you are consistent in all your messaging regardless of media. What ever your consumer reads/hears/word of mouth should have the same message. (This noted as you took some of your early copywriter ideas, now asking for more input - keep it directed not shotgun approach)
  • Posted on Author
    Thanks all for the great suggestions and advice. I think we are aiming at both to answer Jay's question. I think I will split the message via the questions and word them more as suggested.
    I'm going to re-think that portion a bit and think more along the lines you guys are directing me.
    Love this group :D.

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