Question

Topic: Copywriting

Describing A Dog Daycare/boarding Facility

Posted by Anonymous on 5/8/2013 at 8:51 AM ET 400 Points
So this is the final piece of my brochure. The brochure is an overview of what we offer to be left with veterinarians, dog rescues, breeders, etc. I have covered the facility (a 12 acre PRIVATE dog park) and our training and socialization benefits. I want to add a paragraph or 2 describing our boarding and daycare. We are small in this regard, maximum 20 dogs allowed, but we offer way more outdoor space then anyone we know of (we've checked) some places around here are all indoors in a warehouse setting. I have no issues with that type of daycare but just want it known that we have outdoor space aplenty! I also want to stress our small size (many places have up to 100 dogs per day or more!). The other thing I want to stress is our extremely flexible dropoff and pickup options with NO late fees. Here's what I have thus far, keep in mind this is kind of a stream of consciousness where I am just putting down thoughts of what I want to cover, it's not final by any means.
"Daycare and Boarding
Whether it’s for the day, overnight, the weekend or even a month your dog will relish their time here at WolfBrook. With ample space to play, lots of attention from our experienced staff and plenty of canine friends to play with, WolfBrook will quickly become your dog’s favorite destination.
Daycare and Boarding guests spend the day playing and socializing with the other dogs in our fenced, outdoor play areas(over an acre of grassy fun!), hanging out under the tent to relax or in our indoor social room if they so desire. Our rates are all-inclusive, so all the fun and exercise is included. Our flexible pick up and drop off schedule is just one more reason our members love WolfBrook. "

I know it's bad form to put down competitors in order to gain business(I hate when people do that) so I'm not sure how I word things to show what a cool setup we have without directly trashing others. A fine line for me I guess.
Thanks all,
Annette

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RESPONSES

  • Posted by mgoodman on 5/8/2013 at 9:00 AM Moderator
    Have you asked your copywriter to provide an edited version? This is clearly a project for him/her.
  • Posted on 5/8/2013 at 9:51 AM Author
    I no longer have a copywriter. I'm trying to learn to do this for myself (as it's always been an interest). Like stated before I couldn't use the stuff from the 2 copywriters we had. I get the feeling that maybe you don't like my use of this forum. I have been a member here for many years (since 2008) and have always enjoyed reading and learning here (which is what I thought it was partially intended for). I've always given input when I could (answering from the point of view of an avid consumer :)). I have won points and awarded points as required. I think in all total I've asked less than 10 questions in 5+ years. Many of the answers helping me to solidify my knowledge so I can make better use of the resources I have found in my town (the tshirt printers, the printer helping do postcard mail outs). If this is not what is intended than I'll be happy to move on.
  • Posted by mgoodman on 5/8/2013 at 12:12 PM Moderator
    You are very welcome here. I'm not sure what I wrote that gave you the impression you aren't.

    The thing I'm trying to communicate, though, is that this isn't a free copywriting service, and many of your posts seem to require a lot more than a quick thought or suggestion. In this case, you want a detailed critique that almost borders on a course in Copywriting 101.

    My response above was intended to be helpful, not critical. This happens to be a situation where you really do need professional help from a serious copywriter. There are several on this forum, and there are folks here who hire and work with very talented copywriters. Just ask and we'll refer you to someone who can contribute to your project.

    It's nice to learn a new craft (like copywriting for you), but trying to do it in a forum like this is cumbersome at best. That's why I suggested outside professional help this time. You can learn copywriting on your own off-line.

    I'm really sorry if my message communicated anything other than a positive suggestion in response to your request. It's still my best advice. (I may have misunderstood the situation with your copywriters. I thought you recommended them to others, so I figured you thought they were good overall.)
  • Posted by cookmarketing@gmail. on 5/8/2013 at 8:46 PM Accepted
    To keep on message, write all your marketing materials from the eyes of the ultimate voter - your customer.
    What phrasing, what need/want, what usp that they want to hear (not what you want to say)
  • Posted by Jay Hamilton-Roth on 5/8/2013 at 9:24 PM Accepted
    Since much of what you wrote can likely sound like coming from your competition ("...will quickly become your dog’s favorite destination"), it's important to get your voice and unique benefits pointed out upfront. Crafting words & stories is a great skill to have, but it's likely to be something to practice for the future, instead of trying to DIY given your timeframe.
  • Posted on 5/17/2013 at 11:56 AM Author
    Thanks all for the help and sorry for the delay responding. Had to get a new hard drive installed in my computer and responding from the phone kept timing out.
    I have re-written keeping your suggestions in mind and have forwarded to the printer so guess it's done now :D.
    Annette
  • Posted by Moriarty on 5/17/2013 at 12:20 PM Member
    Sorry, I completely missed the boat! I was in Germany when you posted this and it escaped my notice.

    One tip: when it comes to competitors and putting them down - think instead of what you do better and state that clearly. Those who have seen the dog-motels will know that yours is a stately home just by reading the things you say. What's more the human brain is the sort of animal that when it's not concentrating too hard it forgets to insert the "negative" (like not, no, etc) and so the negation of something (we don't do) becomes a positive. If you get my drift. So in the context of doing competitors down, the quick scan of your brochure will tell them that you're just as bad [ie all the nots aren't nots any more ;-) "We don't keep them in small cages" = "small cages" is what catches the eye]

    So it's more than just bad form, it's self inflicted damage. Anyway, who wants to know about them?

    As to suggestions for style, you could try my favourite haunt https://jpeterman.com who have a style all of their own. If you're stuck for ideas, you'll find something there that might translate into dogs rather than skirts or printed blouses. It's a nice wander in any case. Well worth a visit!

    Copywriting is huge fun. It is a learning curve, only if you can tell stories to your kids, you'll get on just fine.
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