Question

Topic: Copywriting

Website Video Copy

Posted by c_gabriel99 on 6/12/2011 at 12:32 PM ET 500 Points
We are going to create a commercial for our website with the following copy. Just looking for any advise on either making it sound tighter (Is it too wordy?)

My grandmother lived with us when I was growing up.
She taught me what was expected of a lady and what would happen to me as a lady. She taught me about my first love, and how much it would hurt. She taught me how to love my husband, and how to raise my children.

She taught me that as I aged, I would have to accept the "accidents" as a fact of life. She taught me how to cross my legs before the sneeze. That this was a normal part of aging.

So when I started having "accidents", I accepted this as another normal path of life that my grandmother taught me about.

I started noticing, that with time, it only got worse. I felt older and alone, like I had failed. At times, I would not even want to be intimate with my husband because I was afraid of having an accident. I started to see life differently, like I was being left behind.

I remember my grandmother's words, but I didn't remember any advice on how to get better. Did I have to really continue to suffer forever?

I was so relieved to learn about the Better Bladder Center. Better Bladder is an office dedicated to treating bladder control.

They taught me that I was not alone. That over 33 million men and women experience this common problem. They also taught me that if I don't do anything it won't go away, in fact it might get worse. They have taught me how to combat this problem...how to regain control of my life, my dignity, and my freedom. Within weeks, I started noticing that I was able to sleep through the entire night. Then, I started to notice that I wasn't going to the restroom as frequently as before and I was able to make it without an accident.
Better Bladder helped me regain control without medicines or surgeries. That with a weekly visit, I could regain my life, health, and happiness. And it was covered by my insurance!

I am no longer wearing pads. I have more energy. I am going out dancing with my husband and no longer concerned about intimacy. We are even planning a road trip this summer!

And guess what? I have taken my grandmother to the Better Bladder Center, and she is now noticing the benefits too.

It has helped us. It will help you too.

The Better Bladder Center tells you more than your doctor perhaps can or will. Today, surgery and drugs are not the only way to get better. There are other options available.

Now, there is Better Bladder.

Call now, 800-xxx-xxxx, and schedule your evaluation in a discrete office location. Visits are by appointment only. Or visit them at the web at betterbladders.com

Call today to enjoy all the benefits of a Better Bladder!
You're in Control.
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RESPONSES

  • Posted on 6/12/2011 at 1:15 PM Accepted
    I don't think you should make it 'tighter'.

    Long copy works really well because interested prospects want to know as much as possible about your product and its benefits. You can put more details in, and repeat them in the copy in different ways to make it clear what kind of product you are offering.

    Make sure you have the contact details in front of the reader or listener at all times so they can get through to you at any time. You never know at what stage of your message the prospect will want to make that contact.

    Hope that helps,

    Peter
  • Posted by mgoodman on 6/12/2011 at 2:01 PM Moderator
    Interesting. My reaction was the opposite of Peter's.

    I think it's WAAAAY too long. It's 480 words, and a typical :60-second commercial (if they still have those) is less than half that.

    My guess is that the majority of site visitors will bail out after 30 seconds and move on. Of course, that depends on how they found and got to your site. If they came because you promised them a long, detailed video, then you may not get many visitors, but the ones you get will be more likely to stick with it for all 480 words.
  • Posted by c_gabriel99 on 6/12/2011 at 2:18 PM Author
    This won't be the video on the landing page, we have a different concept in mind for that. This is more along the lines of a "testimonial" blended with explanation of service.

    Our 60 sec true commercial is something as follows:
    Do you have to rush to use the toilet? Nervous because you think you may lose control of your bladder? Afraid to exercise or laugh because you may wet yourself? Is getting up every night to use the bathroom leaving you tired throughout the day? Have medicines or surgeries let you down?
    Then you are not alone. There are over 35 million Americans suffering from bladder control problems. Are you one of them?
    Most go years without even letting their doctor know. And those that do, feel like they are not getting the help they need. The BETTER BLADDER Center has helped hundreds of men and women improve their bladder control. And it will help you too.
    The Better Bladder Center can safely restore your bladder control regardless of your age, weight, or medical condition. Your bladder control will be safely restored...even if other treatments have failed.
    If you have bladder control problems, don't be embarrassed. Call us today at 800-XXX-XXXX. That's 800-XXX-XXXX.
    Or visit us on the web at betterbladders.com.
    Do it now. You're in control.
  • Posted on 6/12/2011 at 3:32 PM Member
    I see what is needed to sell the concept as more of an information commercial - the kind where you get a free DVD about a product and it takes the place of a salesperson.

    Or a long message on a website or TV about benefits.

    No salesperson exists who can sell a product in 60 seconds. 60 second commercials are for 'awareness' advertising, not for selling.

    Therefore the DVD or video is usually a long one. I have seen various kinds, and when recently, for example, I was interested in a gardening product for its benefits I watched it all the way through. And wanted more.

    I am a typical buyer in that respect and that is why long copy works. I know this from the response I get for my promotions for health, fitness and sports products, which I specialise in. As a matter of fact, I have never been asked by a client for short copy because they, like me, have tried it before and watch it fail.

    Peter
  • Posted by Jay Hamilton-Roth on 6/12/2011 at 5:25 PM Member
    Your copy can work - but only if it's supported by something more than a spokesperson looking into the camera and saying those words. For video - it's all about imagery, and reinforcing the words with images that convey the depth of what's being said. I'd strongly encourage you to develop the supporting images ("b-roll") that fits and tie it all together with appropriate background music that reinforces the pitch. Doing these additional steps aren't easy, but it's what's expected for compelling video nowadays.
  • Posted by c_gabriel99 on 6/12/2011 at 10:30 PM Author
    We were looking to make it an animated video... one similar to that created by Epipheos Studio. Creating a character that is speaking to to the audience and can pan in and out of her life growing up.
  • Posted by c_gabriel99 on 6/13/2011 at 9:11 AM Author
    We are planning it to be website based (youtube and social media) and not on TV.

    Considering the topic, we are concerned about saying anything offensive or off-putting. Does the copy cause any discomfort or cringe moments?
  • Posted on 6/13/2011 at 11:51 AM Member
    No. But you best ask your target audience that question!

    Peter
  • Posted by marketbase on 6/13/2011 at 12:07 PM Member
    Don''t the age-frame of your customer population, but seems like an ''aging'' lady taking her grandmother to BBC might be a stretch?
  • Posted on 6/13/2011 at 12:31 PM Accepted
    The problems I see are mostly on the front end. Some elements strike me as off focus. What message does it convey about the speaker that she had to be "taught" how to love her husband and children. If this element is needed as backstory then I think it would work better if Grandma "showed" her (by example) what it took to be a good wife and mother. The visuals could show Grandma in earlier times making family dinners, tending to little scraped knees, reading to her grandchildren, listening to their troubles as they grew older, etc.

    That said, if you think the "taught" angle works better for you, then have her teach more more concrete things, how to roast a perfect turkey, how to plant a garden, how to act/dress like a lady, how to be supportive when "your guy" has had a really rough day at work. (though this makes one wonder what was mom doing all day? climbing the corporate ladder while Grandma did all the domestic stuff at home?)

    Secondly, it is irrelevant where Grandma lived. What matters is the advice she gave. It's key point was that occasional "accidents" were normal as one aged.

    And it is this theme of "normalcy" or the the growing lack thereof that should be verbally underscored.

    It's supposed to be normal. But as time goes by it's feeling less and less normal and becoming more and more a problem. It is increasingly interfering with her normal life, her normal social activities, her normal relations with her husband.

    Hammer normal…and wanting to feel normal again.

    There is also the unsatisfying resolution of the dramatic question of Grandma. She is introduced as the wise matronly teacher of all feminine competencies, but then once bladder control get's broached she is referenced as essentially clueless about getting better and then disappears.

    Was she wrong, doing the best she could in more primitive times….or should she have had one more bit of clincher advice? Did she teach her granddaughter that when something wasn't right, you'd didn't just wait around feeling helpless, you took action?

    This keeps your speaker's discovery of the Bladder Center from being another life "accident" that she was "relieved" to learn about. Instead, she learns about it because she was actively looking for answers, and her relief at finding of them at the Bladder Center was no "accident."

    Cringe moments: There were two for me. The first was the crossing the legs to sneeze bit. And the second was the mention of the problem not wanting to be intimate with her husband. The "failure visualization" of these two scenarios came immediately to mind. I don't want to imagine a lady sneezing and witnessing the "fail" moment. Nor do I want to imagine the "ah…honey not again," moment when the dam breaks in bed.

    Though, on the "whatever gets their attention" front, such a visual might indeed grab attention…probably not the tone you want to set…but definitely attention getting.
  • Posted by michael on 6/13/2011 at 5:17 PM Member
    Knowing the attention span of internet shoppers you might lose them before you get to the second paragraph.

    Michael
  • Posted by c_gabriel99 on 6/13/2011 at 5:37 PM Author
    Market base:
    The target market is 35-60, not the geriatric population.
    (15-25% affected in this age group). We are planning on having her be mid 30's in the video. Once because it is common after childbirth and only gets worse, and two we don't want to paint it as an old person's problem.

    rwhegwood:
    thank you for your replies. I did feel I was getting lost in the past events and you have helped us in focusing it a little bit tighter. Great examples. Still trying to figure out how to word it but you gave great recommendations.

    The crossing of the legs is actually a common way of portraying it, and it has actually been studied to be an effective technique for control that most patients discover or are taught on their own. Thus the reference.

    I was aiming that while Grandma was wise, it is the common advise that gets most women in trouble because they are taught that this is a normal part of aging, when in fact it is not. Will try clarifying that point.

    I like having Grandma teach her how to research when things aren't going right. But why didn't Grandma do it herself then?

    Michael:
    where do you think the audience is getting lost and how do you recommend getting them on track?
  • Posted on 7/11/2011 at 10:51 AM Member
    I think your biggest problem with your story is this:

    You haven't clued the reader in as to why they should read on. You start talking about grandmother BUT people are only interested in themselves. Why should I start reading about a grandmother?

    Put a sentence before you start your story about the benefit I'm going to get and you'll hook more people.

    Also, include more proof that the Better Bladder Centre is great. A lot more proof.

    You caught the reader emotionally in your story now the reader needs to justify their decision with logic where you introduce the solution.

    Warmly

    Mark
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