Know-How Exchange : Strategy

Dear Marketing Colleagues

I was musing with Chris Blackman (ASVP / Cris B) on the possible use of “Indulgences” to make cheats on this forum feel a bit better and to help to save their souls. He commented that making money from indulgences had all gone way downhill since banned by Pope Pius V in 1567 when he forbade the exchange of money for them, though it is doubtful that his judgement would be upheld in a court of law today because it was extracted under duress by Martin Luther and his Protestant Reformation Mob in the early 1520’s.

So, it falls to modern marketers to see how we can introduce a thriving new product to raise consumer awareness of sin and to make a bit of money at the same time. After all, as the pioneers of the Rolls-Royce Pastor and Touch-the-Set- and -Send –Your Cheque-Tele-Evangelism, the American contingent on Marketing Profs won’t feel too queasy about the idea, will they?

As bog-standard Indulgences have been ruled out by historical precedent, we need a Web 2.0 replacement which can be openly marketed and preferably traded on an exchange or market. As the US Consolidated Debt Obligation and that wonderful French Chappie who blew $7 Billion on derivatives for Societe Generale last month have shown, we can see that markets are where the really big money is to be made (And by the looks of the antics of the bankers, it’s also the place where some sort of forgiveness of sin might just be in big demand)

This has led me to setting up a Futures Market in Sin with a currency of Traded Obligations. These would not be the discredited type of offering (Rich man pays Bishop $1M in order not to go to Hell) but sophisticated Financial Instruments which could be traded via the derivatives market where punters (The public) or traders and institutions, could take a reasoned investment choice (i.e. a bet) on the future likelihood of people needing to buy absolution for sins as yet unknown and maybe for sins as yet uninvented..

Chris has pointed out that this would require a regulated exchange, and there isn’t one at the moment, so we might as well found that at the same time. Maybe our army of tag-line and naming experts could help out here, but I’ve come up with a couple for starters.

The Anglican Church is for instance ruled by the General Synod. With a small change in spelling we’d have the General Sinod to govern trades in mortal peril. Or there’s that bloke who runs the Scottish Church “The Moderator or the General Assembly of the Church of Scotland” He sounds like a beacon of propriety, but, here’s the point, he dresses up like Dick Turpin the Highwayman in order to go to work.

Then there’s the Governmental Revenue Benefits otherwise called TAX (I have to be careful using that three-letter word, lest I offend Conservatives and Republicans)
Here, with lashings of added grammar, we can teach the concept of Moral and Sinful Donation to the Government at school, in English Maths and IT lessons. It would be called by its old name of Syntax or as we would re-package it, Sin-Tax.

We also need names and product ideas. We’ve got the Consolidated Sin-Obligation Package, which will offer forgiveness at a future date for screwing up 100Million people’s mortgages. We do need others from you guys and gals.

FOREX markets use double dipping tools, so we could have an indulgence to wash clean 500 years worth of dunking witches in the pond. This would appeal to modern politicians who are struck with a need to keep apologising for history and could be applied to any past outrage which with hindsight we feel a bit bad about.

I’m setting up an advisory committee which already has our local Vicar as a Technical / Theological Advisor, with whom I’ve discussed the idea in concept after a retreat at the weekend. He thinks that it’s a hoot and good way of raising the next £5M for the church roof.

We’ve got a fellow church member who is a city lawyer to run the legal side and her husband who just happens to be a Derivatives Rocket Scientist in a merchant bank would look at the maths. He’s keen as the final product would appeal to him and his mates, making them feel a bit more at ease burning up the planet with their Aston Martins, Mercs and Porches.

So it’s over to you. We need ideas on the:

Structure of the market

The names of the products and what they will do

Public marketing initiatives for the sinner-in-the-street

Ways of stopping the Rudgwick branch of the Christian Fundamentalist Brethren from burning me at the stake.

Etc.

Best wishes


Steve Alker

PS I’ve just thought of a product: Scourging or self flagellation to expunge sin is not very popular outside such “Works of Fact” like The DaVinci Code, but we could sell a derivative based on the likelihood of someone, somewhere putting together a band of nutters who would be prepared to mutilate themselves for someone else’s sake and a small contribution to their whip-fund. Can you imagine how that would go down in the S&M community? (That’s not Sales and Marketing by the way!!)