Question

Topic: E-Marketing

Sales Email Critique

Posted by Anonymous on 6/24/2009 at 4:15 PM ET 25 Points
I'm trying to create a follow up email that will aid me in reaching prospective customers. thanks in advance for the help.

- - - - - -
Hello Mr/Ms. Blank,

I am Peter Tran from _ _ _ _ _ __ _ _ . You spoke with one of our representatives at the Sapphire Conference and I would like to follow up with you regarding your SAP Security. As you learned at the conference, our security design strategy and products can help you reduce security administration costs, improve Sarbanes – Oxley compliance, simplifies and streamlines approvals, and stops fraud. Our tools will save you money and make your job 20 times easier.

I will contact you tomorrow just in case this email does not find its way to you. If you have any immediate questions, please do not hesitate to reach me a _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ . In the mean time you can visit our website at www._ _ _ ___ _ _ _ _.com. Thank you for your consideration and I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Respectfully,
Peter Tran
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RESPONSES

  • Posted on 6/24/2009 at 4:44 PM Accepted
    First thought is that this sounds more like a phone call script than an email.

    More importantly, it's not clear to me what the prospect will get from this (other than being pestered by a salesman trying to sell him/her something). You're talking too much about yourself and not enough about the benefits that your customers get. How does it make their jobs 20 times easier? Save time? Cut down on paperwork? Ensure compliance (reducing stress)?

    Was there any feedback at the conference about the kinds of problems your prospects are having?

    Where does your customer hurt and what kind of painkiller do you have? Be specific. Tell them exactly what they get by using your services (rather than some other company). Give them a clear reason why they should want to talk to you, and get their "buy in" on it. Tomorrow may be convenient for you, but not for them. Why not offer a choice? Or at least first gauge their interest?

    Even better, can you offer them something instead of a straight sales pitch? How about, you're following up and you thought they would be interested in your firm's free report "5 Easy Ways to Ensure Sarbanes-Oxley Compliance".

    They have to know, like, and trust you first, before they'll buy.


    Also, your nouns and verbs lost their agreement in the middle.

    Jodi

  • Posted by michael on 6/24/2009 at 4:46 PM Accepted
    Peter,

    Skip your name at the beginning. It's wasted space. If you aren't going to target a specific question they asked, then say

    "The top 3 concerns of visitors to our booth at the Sapphire Conference were:
    1)...
    2)...
    3)...

    If you are still seeking a solution to one of these problems, contact me for a (free evaluation/whitepaper) or call me directly. "


    Michael

  • Posted by Gary Bloomer on 6/25/2009 at 12:55 AM Accepted
    Dear Peter.tran1184,

    Far more emphasis needs to be put on the needs of the customer,
    on the actual benefits they'll gain from doing business with you.

    As things stand, your overall message is, there's no easy way to say this: dull. Put yourself in the boots of your buyer and lace those boots up and stomp up and down in them.

    Where do those boots pinch? What do those boots tell you? Where do those boots take you? Over what ground do they crunch? With whom do they walk?

    Once you've got those ideas in your head, THAT'S where you'll make your stand. On that particular ground. Why? Because you'll be talking to the customer about outcomes that matter to them.

    Put practicalities aside. They might solve part of the problem, but they don't make deeper connections. Emotion guides the sale, then logic justifies the expenditure.

    Don't be logical, because be being so, your message won't stand out, which means it won't be recalled or, more importantly, acted on. Be emotional. Appeal to the benefit-side of the arrangement.

    I hope this helps.

    Gary Bloomer
    Wilmington, DE, USA
  • Posted by melissa.paulik on 7/4/2009 at 11:31 AM Member
    Peter,

    I agree with those who suggest that you make the call.

    Chances are good you won't get through to them so I would send a follow up email. However, in your follow up email, I would start with something more intriguing. For example:

    "We helped XYZ company meet SOX compliance in 2 weeks.." (or whatever compelling story you have about something you helped another customer achieve.)

    You can remind them that you met at Sapphire, but do it later in the email. (not too much later as the email should still be short.)

    Then I would provide them with a link to something they can download like a whitepaper or recorded webinar. Let them raise their hand and say they are interested.

    I would also get this company, and everybody else you met at Sapphire, into a good nurturing program. Or, if you do happen to reach them on the phone call, remember to ask them if they would like to receive periodic information that may be helpful to them like the aforementioned whitepapers. (not brochures!)

    Let me know if you have any questions. I am a marketing consultant, but I come from your world. I was part of the SAP channel at one time.

    All the best!

    Melissa
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