Question

Topic: Advertising/PR

Critique My Elevator Pitch?

Posted by Anonymous on 4/16/2008 at 7:05 PM ET 250 Points
I'm trying to create a better elevator pitch for my company and could really use some feedback from you marketing pros out there. Would you be interested in hearing more after this pitch? Suggestions for improvement?
Thanks!

EdgEvents is a corporate event planning company that specializes in creating innovative events for businesses that are looking to make an impact.

We custom design each of our events to our client’s specifications, while also providing you with creative marketing ideas and a fresh perspective on emerging trends that can make your event uniquely memorable.

We can save you the time, money and stress of trying to manage and organize all of the logistics that go into planning an event, which allows you to focus on more important things, like developing your business.

Whether you’re designing an event to raise money, attract new clients and investors, draw traffic to a tradeshow booth or celebrate the launch a new product…

The bottom line is, if you’re putting on an event, we’ll pull it off for you.
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RESPONSES

  • Posted by Tracey on 4/16/2008 at 7:20 PM Accepted
    Hi Kim,

    Here's what I like:
    - You point out right away who your customer is (corporate event planning)
    - Third paragraph which states what you do and the benefit
    - nice close

    Here are some ideas for improvements:
    - you say for "business that are looking to make an impact." I think this is too general. Everyone is trying to make an impact. You are probably targeting businesses that want to host an event that wows their customer. Or businesses that want to host/sponsor a profitable, well-attended event. Also I don't like the phrase "looking to" as it sounds a little sloppy.

    - Do you provide ALL clients with marketing ideas? What if they don't want marketing ideas; can they just get event planning services? That may be worth clarifying because to me, marketing ideas sounds like a service that would cost more than just event planning and that might not be what I want.

    - Can you differentiate your company more? What's your strength? I wouldn't try to be all things to all people. I used to be an event planner, so here are some features I would consider differentiating -- Ability to apply hotel room commission to your bill (e.g., if you make 10% of the hotel room block as commission, you apply that back to your client's bill for event planning services), or you specialize in full-service event planning (you can do the logistics but also the content creation or marketing), you specialize in over-the-top dramatic productions, you get the best speakers... etc. Whatever your "specialty" is, I would try to insert that into every paragraph and into the last sentence.

    Hope that helps!
  • Posted by CarolBlaha on 4/16/2008 at 7:41 PM Accepted
    Your last line is your strongest. I also like your opening statement. Get rid of "can" statements, you either do or don't mention and make "I" statements. It should be 30 seconds-- this can expand for intro's etc-- but the elevator speech should be short. Maybe paragraph 1, 3 and close. But tweak 3

    "I save companies time, money and stress of managing and organizing an event-- allowing you to focus on what you do best-- developing your business."

    Or

    "following up on all the leads created"
  • Posted by michael on 4/16/2008 at 9:30 PM Accepted
    Kim,

    I want you to say something that will stick. I'm afraid that I can take your pitch and put it on any event planners website and they can call it their own.

    Say BIG. "If you need lunch for 500 under the shadow of the Sphynx. We can do that."

    Say Unique. "Dinner on the Great Wall with the Dali Lama? No problem"

    Make it wild and make it memorable.

    Michael
  • Posted by Jay Hamilton-Roth on 4/17/2008 at 9:02 AM Accepted
    The first paragraph should standalone - since that's where the punch needs to be, and that's where people wonder if they should listen or tune out.

    Narrow down your target ("corporate event planning"): Are you regional? Specializing in an industry? Company size?

    For example:
    EdgEvents plans intimate and innovative events for companies with over 100 employees.
  • Posted by CarolBlaha on 4/17/2008 at 9:36 AM Accepted
    Make sure your intro passes the "so what" test. Some of these answers don't. Whatever you decide to say, role play with a "so what". If you've answered that in your mind-- the "what's in it for me", you will know you are on the right track.
  • Posted on 4/17/2008 at 5:15 PM Author
    Well in my mind, this pitch is basically a 45 second schpiel with the end goal of having the person listening say "Tell me more." Whether their ears perked up at the idea of saving time and money and they want to know how we can do that, or because they want to wow their customers or they like more modern twists on their events that would appeal to a younger audience, or they just liked my tagline...if i can get past that first hurdle and grab some interest..there is tons that i could say about the types of events we design and what makes them special, how an independent planner is better than trying to do it yourself, and how we're better than our competitors. I can throw out examples left and right. but i'm looking for the intial hook before i can start reeling anyone in.

    I also don't want to get too narrow in focus, because we cater to events with both small and large budgets, from every industry from finance, to non profits, to bakeries, to biotech. We do small dinner parties of 6 to gala events with hundreds...it's all very personalized and specific to each case. Yes, saying you'll dine in the shadow of the sphynx is intriguing, but I don't want to make it seem like all we do are themed events, because we do a lot of just cool environments, aesthetically interesting events that don't have themes. in fact a lot of companies think having an egyptian theme or a circus theme is corny. Since my main target are young businesses, i don't want to turn anyone off from the get go by saying, we specialize in these kinds of themed events for these types of companies with a minimum budget of this and no more than X number people. If you don't fit in those parameters, why would you continue talking to me? Flexibility is one of the things that makes my company different, so i don't want to limit myself in my initial pitch.
  • Posted on 4/17/2008 at 5:22 PM Author
    Here's a slight revamp, taking in some of you're suggestions...better? or worse?


    EdgEvents is a corporate event planning company that specializes in creating innovative events for businesses using modern marketing ideas and a fresh perspective on emerging trends that will put your company on the cutting edge of your industry.

    We save companies the time, money and stress of managing and organizing an event-- allowing you to focus on what you do best-- developing your business.

    Whether you’re designing an event to raise money, attract new clients and investors, draw traffic to a tradeshow booth or celebrate the launch a new product…

    The bottom line is, if you’re putting on an event, we’ll pull it off for you.
  • Posted by CarolBlaha on 4/17/2008 at 8:48 PM Member
    My advise-- lose the word "pitch" its not a pitch. Baseball has pitches, you have solutions.
  • Posted on 4/19/2008 at 11:06 AM Accepted
    In order for a pitch to be effective, it has to be specific and demonstrate a clear benefit to a particular group of people.


    So what do you offer that makes you stand out? What problems are you solving?

    I like the paragraph about handling all the logistics and hard work.

    Maybe something like: I'm the Corporate Event Wizard. I take all the stress out of organizing, scheduling, and planning your events. All you have to do is call, then relax and be a guest at your own party!

    Here's a great resource for testing out your pitches (it even comes with a pitch creation tool).

    https://www.15secondpitch.com/new/



  • Posted on 4/23/2008 at 3:07 PM Accepted
    Hello,

    I think you are saying way too much.

    The purpose of an elevator pitch (commercial) is to get the prospect to ask " How do you do that"? Once they do, then you can expand upon what you do.

    This is a great book: Endless Referrals by Bob Burg.
    You can also go to www.bni.com and look for the autonomy of a 60 second commercial.

    You should have several commercials for different industries.


    Good luck
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