Know-How Exchange : Just for Fun

Forget "The Mac is Not A Typewriter" ...

The Real Graphic Design Rules

1. Your fonts will default to the worst possible font available on the machine you are showing your work on.

2. The less time you have the more useless your computer will become.

3. If you have two versions of a photo, the wrong one will make its way to the printer.

4. Promises made by the sales staff have no basis in reality.

5. The sales staff will promise anything.

6. If the text consists of two words, one will be misspelled.

7. Speed. Quality. Affordability. Pick two.

8. If the run is wrong, it's never the press operator's fault.

9. Spell checkers don't.

10. Grammar checkers don't, either.

11. Proof raeders are useless. (ha ha)

12. Global search-and-replaces aren't.

13. The index entry you leave out will be the first one the client looks under.

14. Optical Character Recognition (OCR) is good comedy.

15. If three designs are shown to a client, your least favorite will be chosen, or any combination of worst components of each.

16. If two designs are shown, a third will be requested. If provided, then one of the first two will be chosen.

17. If you ask for more copy, it will be sent as a Jpeg. If you ask for images they will send powerpoint presentations.

18. Clients don't have their company logo in a usable print ready format so don't bother asking.

19. Blue line proofs reveal previously invisible errors.

20. The best designs never survive contact with the client.

21. You will misspell the name of the client's spouse.

22. Your best idea is already copyrighted.

23. The best way to find errors in your code is to show a client "a new feature."

24. There is no stock photo ever made that matches the image you have in your head.

25. Creative inspiration flows in inverse proportion to the distance from the studio.

26. Time allowed to complete work is inversely proportional to time taken by client to work out what to complain about.

27. My personal favorite: Doctors, astronauts, and plumbers need training to do their jobs, but anyone with a computer is a graphic designer.

28. No matter how detailed the tech support FAQs are, nobody has ever heard of your problem.

29. The number of colors in a client's design will equal the number of colors in the original bid specs, plus two.

30. The client's disk won't run on your equipment and when it does, it will contain unusable copyrighted images

31. If you purchase new equipment to read your client's disk, it will be the last disk of that type you will ever receive.

32. Your client will often not like your design but not quite know why.

33. Computer crashes always happen exactly 30 seconds before saving.

34. A client who knows exactly what he wants is worse than one that has no idea.

35. Clients who do not provide content upfront will complain about the use of Lorem Ipsum.

36. Everything has to be done immediately, deadlines are incredibly important unless client has to provide materials or approve your work.

37. There are at least five things you could think to add to this list if only you had more time.

Cheers!

Jennifer
XPRT Creative

While surfing the web, I found this funny piece, related to marketing-

An interoffice softball game was held every year between the Marketing Department and support staff of one company.

The day of the game, as hard as the Marketers tried, the support staff whipped the Marketing Department soundly.

In their best tradition, the Marketing Department decided to find the best "spin" they could on the dismal result. They showed how they earn their keep by posting this memo on the bulletin board after the game:

"The Marketing Department is pleased to announce that for the recently-completed Softball Season, we came in 2nd place, having lost but one game all year.

The Support Department, however, had a rather dismal season, as they won only one game all year."

Hi Sriedel,

The list of marketing jokes for you!

1. You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed."
- That's Direct Marketing.

2. You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and pointing at you says, "She's fantastic in bed."
- That's Advertising.

3. You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed."
- That's Telemarketing.

4. You're at a party and see a handsome guy. You get up and straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I," and reach up to straighten his tie brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."
- That's Public Relations.

5. You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed."
- That's Brand Recognition.

6. You're at a party and see a handsome guy. You talk him into going home with your friend.
- That's a Sales Rep.

7. Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you.
- That's Tech Support.

8. You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing. So you climb onto the roof of one situated toward the center and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!"
- That's Spam.

9. A software manager, a hardware manager, and a marketing manager are driving to a meeting when a tire blows. They get out of the car and look at the problem. The software manager says: "I can't do anything about this - it's a hardware problem."

The hardware manager says: "Maybe if we turned the car off and on again, it would fix itself." The marketing manager says: "Hey, 75% of it is working - let's ship it!"

10. An old man, a boy and a donkey were going to town. The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked. As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding.

The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions. Later, they passed some people that remarked: "What a shame, he makes that little boy walk." They then decided they both would walk!

Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So, they both rode the donkey.

Now they passed some people that shamed them by saying how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey. The boy and man said they were probably right, so they decided to carry the donkey. As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned.

The moral of the story? In Marketing, if you try to please everyone, you might as well... Kiss you’re a** good-bye.

I hope this will help!

Regards,

M Bhor

Website:

https://www.marketingprofs.com/ea/qst_question.asp?qstID=10159

A few things that will make you laugh, hopefully :)

1. New and improved? If something is new, it couldn't have been improved. If something is improved, it can't be new. ???

2. Research findings from an English University:

Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer is at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we do not raed ervey lteter by it slef but the wrod as a wlohe.

3.New warning labels:
WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what in the world happened to your bra and panties.
WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

Ever wonder what all those advertising terms really mean?
NEW - Different color from previous design.
ALL NEW - Parts are not interchangeable with previous design.
FOOLPROOF OPERATION - No provision for adjustments.
ADVANCED DESIGN - The advertising agency doesn't understand it.
REDESIGNED - Previous flaws fixed - we hope.
YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT - We finally got one to work.
MAINTENANCE FREE - Impossible to fix.
MEETS ALL STANDARDS - Ours, not yours.
SOLID-STATE - Heavy as hell.

A Mother had three virgin daughters. They were all getting married within a short time period. Because mum was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but: "Nescafe"!

Mum was puzzled at first, but then went to her kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said: "Good till the last drop”.

Mum blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.

The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: "Rothmans". Mum now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes, and she read from the pack: "Extra Long. King Size"

She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.

The third girl left for her honeymoon in Cape Town. Mum waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived. Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words "South African Airways”

Mum took out her latest Hello! magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the add for SAA.

The ad said: "Ten times a day, seven days a week, both ways."

Mum fainted!

Hope you had a laugh, now back to business!
Kisses,
Emi

Hi Again,

Two women were shopping. When they started to discuss their home lives, one said, "Seems like all John and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset I've lost 20 pounds."

"Why don't you just leave him then?" asked her friend.

"Oh! Not yet." the first replied, "I'd like to lose at least another fifteen pounds first."

Marketing moral: Ya gotta have a goal!

Regards,

M Bhor

Advertising & Marketing Fundas
You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends approaches her, points at you and says, "He's fantastic in bed."
That's Advertising.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You approach her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Telemarketing.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You approach her and say, "I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Direct Marketing.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed."
Now That's Brand Recognition!

Have a nice day ;)
Evantech

Hi again!

A Marketing Consultant employed by KFC gained an audience with the Pope, and offered him a million dollars if he would change 'The Lord's Prayer' from "give us this day our daily bread" to "give us this day our daily chicken." The Pope refused the offer.

Two weeks later, the consultant offered the Pope 10 million dollars to change it from "give us this day our daily bread" to "give us this day our daily chicken" and again the Pope refused the generous offer.

Another week later, the consultant offered the Pope 20 million dollars, and finally the Pope accepted.

The following day, the Pope briefed his staff.

"I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is, that we have just received a check for 20 million dollars. The bad news is, we lost the Wonder Bread account!'

hi again:
A man is looking in the classified ads for a job. He notices an advertisement for a toothbrush salesman and figured that couldn't such a bad job. So, he calls in, he goes in and they hire him. The next day, he heads out to a neighborhood to make some sales. Five hours later he comes home and says, "Man, I only sold one toothbrush. That's not enough"

So the next day he goes to a richer neighborhood, thinking maybe those people would buy more toothbrushes. He ends up selling two toothbrushes. So he goes to his boss for advice and his boss says, "Look, you're a great guy and all, but you gotta come up with a gimmick or something."

So, the salesman thinks about it and, later that night, he finally comes up with one.

So the next day, he sets up a booth near the subway with a sign that says "Free chips and dip" A guy walks over and puts the chip in the dip and says, "This tastes like shit."

And the salesman replied, "Yeah, it is. Wanna buy a toothbrush?

When a young marketer met his untimely end, he was informed that he had a choice about where he would spend his eternity: Heaven or Hell. He was allowed to visit both places, and then make his decision afterwards.

"I'll see Heaven first," said the salesman, and an angel led him through the gates on a private tour. Inside it was very peaceful and serene, and all the people there were playing harps and eating grapes. It looked very nice, but the salesman was not about to make a decision that could very well condemn him to so sedate an eternity.

"Can I see Hell now?" he asked. The angel pointed him to the elevator, and he went down to the Basement where he was greeted by one of Satan's loyal followers. For the next half hour, the salesman was led through a tour of what appeared to be the best night clubs he'd ever seen. People were partying loudly, and having a, if you'll pardon the expression, Hell of a time.

When the tour ended, he was sent back up where the angel asked him if he had reached a final decision.

"Yes, I have," he replied. "As great as Heaven looks and all, I have to admit that Hell was more of my kind of place. I've decided to spend my eternity down there."

The salesman was sent to hell, where he was immediately thrown into a cave and was chained to a wall, and he was subjected to various tortures. "When I came down here for the tour," he yelled with anger and pain, "I was shown a whole bunch of bars and parties and other great stuff! What happened?!"

The devil replied, "Oh, that! That was just the Marketing Presentation"

Hi Again,

1. Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious p**** magazine.

2. Pepsi's "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave", in Chinese.

3. The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as
"Ke-kou-ke-la", meaning "Bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax", depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent "ko-kou-ko-le", translating into "happiness in the mouth."

4. Try This

While sitting at your desk, make clockwise circles with your right foot. While doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right hand. What direction is your foot going now?

Marketing moral: Focus, focus, focus!

I hope you will laugh!

Regards,

M Bhor

not really marketing jokes but here goes .....


1. Air Travel ----

I was on a flight to Hong Kong once. The flight would be seven hours long, so I decided to get some shuteye. I was soon awakened by the stewardess, who asked me if I would like some dinner. I said, "What are my choices?"
And she said, "Yes or no."

2. Bribery ----
At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. "Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn't hear the question.
"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated. The witness still did not respond.
Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question."
"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."

3. Brilliant ----
A chemist, a biologist and an electrical engineer were on death row waiting to go in the electric chair.
The chemist was brought forward first.
"Do you have anything you want to say?" asked the executioner, strapping him in.
"No," replied the chemist. The executioner flicked the switch and nothing happened.
Under State law, if an execution attempt fails, the prisoner is to be released, so the chemist was released.
Then the biologist was brought forward.
"Do you have anything you want to say?"
"No, just get on with it."
The executioner flicked the switch, and again nothing happened, so the biologist was released.
Then the electrical engineer was brought forward.
"Do you have anything you want to say?" asked the executioner.
"Yes," replied the engineer. "If you swap the red and the blue wires over, you might make this thing work."

hope someone got a laugh :-)

Great Jokes..hehe... It's nice to start your day with laughs...

I got this joke off the web....

*Marketing Apples

A young man asked a rich old man how he made his money.

The old guy fingered his expensive wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel. Marketing was the key to my success."

"I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents."

"The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $9.80."

"Then my wife's father died and left us two-million dollars.

This one is a bit scary ;)

A Built-In Target Audience

A visiting customer is taken on a tour of a latex products factory by the factory's marketing manager.

At the first stop, he's shown the machine that manufactures baby-bottle nipples. The machine makes a loud hiss-pop! noise.

"The hiss is the rubber being injected into the mold," explains the marketer. "The popping sound is a needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple."

Later, the tour reaches the part of the factory where condoms are manufactured.

The machine makes a noise: "Hiss. Hiss. Hiss. Hiss-pop!"

"Wait a minute!" says the customer. "I understand what the 'hiss, hiss,' is, but what's that 'pop!' every so often?"

"Oh, it's just the same as in the baby-bottle nipple machine," says the guide. "It pokes a hole in every fourth condom."

"Well, that can't be good for the condoms!"

"Yeah, but it's great for the baby-bottle nipple business!"

Cheers :)

Question: What's the differnce between a salesperson and a con man?

Answer: The con man knows when he's lying.

What is Meant by "Marketing"?

People often ask what is meant by Marketing. Perhaps the following analogies will help clear it up:

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I'm fantastic in bed." That's Direct Marketing.

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, "He's fantastic in bed." That's Advertising.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say," Hi, I'm fantastic in bed." that's Telemarketing.

You're at a party and see a handsome man. You get up and straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I," And reach up to straighten his tie brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed." That's Brand Recognition.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You talk her into going home with your friend. That's a Sales Rep.

Your friend can't satisfy her so he calls you. That's Technical Service.

You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be gorgeous women in all the houses you're passing. So you climb onto the roof of one situated in the middle and shout at the top of your voice, "I'm fantastic in bed!". That's Spam.

You hear about women like this but never meet one. That's False Advertising.

Coors put its slogan, "Turn it loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer from diarrhea."

Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick," a curling iron, into German only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the "manure stick".

Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: Nothing sucks like an Electrolux.

The American slogan for Salem cigarettes, "Salem-Feeling Free", was translated into the Japanese market as "When smoking Salem, you will feel so refreshed that your mind seems to be free and empty."

When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US, with the beautiful baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the label of what's inside, since most people can't read English.

An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I saw the Pope" (el Papa), the shirts read "I saw the potato" (la papa).

In Italy, a campaign for Schweppes Tonic Water translated the name into "Schweppes Toilet Water."

Pepsi's "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave," in Chinese.

When Parker Pen marketed a ballpoint pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to say "It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you." However, the company mistakenly thought the spanish word "embarazar" meant embarrass. Instead the ads said that "It wont leak in your pocket and make you pregnant."

Also in Chinese, the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan "finger-lickin' good" came out as "eat your fingers off."

Gerber, the name of the famous baby food maker, is also the French word for vomiting. It becomes a bit limiting when you go global... Gerber is therefore not in France, and although Gerber has a French Canadian web page, it says "Les aliments pour bébés Gerber ne sont disponibles pour l'instant qu'aux États-Unis" (French for: The baby food ain't here, try the U.S.)

In 1988, the General Electric Company (GEC) and Plessey combined to create a new telecommunications giant. A brand name was desired that evoked technology and innovation. The winning proposal was GPT for GEC-Plessey Telecommunications. A not very innovative name and not suggestive of technology and a total disaster for European branding. GPT is pronounced in French as “J’ai pété” or “I've farted”.

Pepsi is being sued in a Hyderabad, India city court in a public interest litigation for glorifying child labor in a television ad. In the ad, the Indian cricket team is in a celebratory huddle when a young boy serves them Pepsi.