Question

Topic: Copywriting

A Quick And Easy Copy Critique Please!

Posted by nchazan on 1/26/2009 at 10:25 AM ET 25 Points
Help with second sentence of this opening brochure paragraph. It is meant to segway to the rest of the historical aspect of our business.

"We’re passionate about people getting things done. In fact, Dancker, Sellew & Douglas has been helping people work more productively since the day we crafted our first roll top desk in 1829."
To continue reading this question and the solution, sign up ... it's free!
SUBSCRIBE
Or, SIGN IN

RESPONSES

  • Posted by nchazan on 1/26/2009 at 11:48 AM Author
    Our overview brochure starts with "About Us". And the above paragraph is about font size 32 at the top of the page. Underneath it is regular font 12 text which goes into detail about our history.

    I guess I just feel like that second sentence is too long, or doesn't quite sound "right". you know what I mean? I could be wrong
  • Posted by kevin.shoesmith on 1/26/2009 at 12:23 PM Accepted
    Maybe try this (1 sentence instead):

    At Dancker, Sellew & Douglas, we've passionately helped thousands of people work more productively since 1829 when we crafted our first roll top desk.

    That passion ...
  • Posted by nchazan on 1/26/2009 at 1:06 PM Author
    Thanks Kevin, that helped me wrap things up and also include some other stuff I wanted. A+
BACK TO TOP

Post a Comment

Related Discussions

Community Info

Top 25 Experts
(Copywriting)