Question

Topic: Copywriting

Help Shorten This Web Sales Copy

Posted by Anonymous on 4/20/2009 at 11:35 PM ET 125 Points
Hi, we operate a speed dating service, here is the web sales copy, it is just too long

Can someone help me shorten it? especially the intro part (2nd and 3rd paragraph). Thank you very much

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Get a REAL new friend, chemistry guaranteed! Or receive 3 events for free!

So, you just made a new friend on internet, you keep EMAILING THIS WEEK, CHAT for ANOTHER WEEK, TALK on the phone for THIRD WEEK? Finally going to meet each other this weekend, then find out he/she does NOT look like the pictures!
Even worst, you have no chemistry when talking, the date sucks and you are going to tell him/her that you must go to visit your friend who just got into car accident to escape this situation. And tons of idiots added your Yahoo ID. What a disaster!

Never fear, those days are over. With our dating party, you will

• Meet 15 real people in 1 night, they are single just like you

• Face to face in real person, immediately tell if you're attracted

• You will only be called by someone you have chemistry

• You meet a person for only 5 minutes, no need to make excuse to run away if the date sucks

• The environment is relaxed, private and secured

• Overcome your shyness, improve your social skills

50% off, registration for this week only, click here to check out upcoming event
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RESPONSES

  • Posted by SteveByrneMarketing on 4/21/2009 at 2:28 AM Accepted
    Tired of unfulfilled promises from all the dating sites?

    Try meeting 15 people for just 5 minutes, you'll know who want to know better, and we'll help you.

    Plus 50% discount this week.
  • Posted by bill.hall on 4/21/2009 at 6:59 AM Member
    Steve did a great job on shortening it. I would also do away with the word "sucks" and "idiot." It's hard to trust any business that talks that way.
  • Posted on 4/21/2009 at 11:43 AM Author
    Thanks Steve and Bill

    @Phil, you are right, this is a start up service, I have no access to marketing talent due to limited budget. You are really helpful, thanks for your advice. As soon as the service starts to make some profit, I will have to hire a marketing talent. For now, I have no choice but to do it myself.
  • Posted on 4/21/2009 at 2:23 PM Author
    And Phil, believe it or not, marketing talent in my city is rare, even top marketing firms are not so good in writing ad from what I have observed

    The best way is to learn do it ourself until we can afford top western marketing firm's service
  • Posted on 4/21/2009 at 8:05 PM Accepted
    1. Copywriters don't have to live nearby. We can use phone, Skype, fax, email, FTP, and a host of other media to communicate.

    2. If you don't have the budget for a copywriter, how are you going to pay to reach prospective customers when the time comes?

    The two most common causes of new business failures are (1) they underestimate the importance of marketing to generate business up-front, and (2) they are underfunded and never really get off the ground. (Usually they fall victim to the "if you build it they will come" philosophy and blow all their limited funds "building it," only to learn later that the venture won't fly without marketing.)
  • Posted on 4/22/2009 at 12:04 AM Author
    @Mgoodman

    I don't underestimate the importance of marketing, It is vital to business, especially start up one. Still, you remind me something very important, spend more cash for getting customers than building the business, thanks. I probably need a marketing talent like Phil said.

    Just a quick question, is it better to have 1 press release on different news sites? Or several releases on the most popular news site?
  • Posted on 4/22/2009 at 3:56 AM Author
    I re-wrote the web sales copy, please tell me what you think, thank you very much.

    -----------------------------------------
    Do online dating websites bring you friend with chemistry? Or you two still could not meet up after weeks of emailing and chatting?

    Our dating party allows you

    • Meet 15 singles
    • Face to face in real person
    • Immediate attraction
    • Relaxed and private conversations

    WALK OUT WITH A REAL FRIEND OR RECEIVE 3 FREE EVENTS!

    50% off this week only, check out upcoming event now!
    -----------------------------------------
  • Posted by matthewmnex on 4/22/2009 at 9:06 PM Member
    Dear All.

    This site is intended to offer advise and insights.

    NOT to do work for others without pay.

    This does a disservice to the many professionals here who get paid for this type of copywriting expertise.

    Asking for advise on the quality and or approach of the copy is one thing, asking members to re write it is unacceptable.

    I don't really blame the poster for asking the question, but I do blame those who responded who should know better than to give away their services for free.

    Thank you all participants here for respecting where the line is.

    Matthew
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