Question

Topic: Copywriting

Clearly Defining "what We Do"

Posted by Anonymous on 7/29/2009 at 10:05 PM ET 125 Points
When asked what our business does, our standard response has been "We are the 24-hour pet ambulance service of the Greater Sydney Region....etc." We are trying to refine our "schpiel" to really get across the significance of what we do. We have a few key concepts and ideas, but we are struggling to put it into a concise, pleasant-sounding phrase.

Essentially- While we ARE a 24 hour pet ambulance service, and we offer pet first aid courses, what we really provide is:
Peace of Mind (for the pet owners, the vets, the greater community)
Empowerment (in an emegent or stressful situation people often feel helpless and do not know what to do, especially if their pet is also distressed- we empower them by 1. Providing supportive advice over the phone while en route to them- 2. Providing first aid and critical care services on arrival, and 3. Providing first aid courses to prevent panic in the first place.

Some ideas we have come up with are:

"PetMedics empowers pet owners and the pet community in emergent or stressful situations by providing access to a professional 24-hour pet ambulance service, as well as by teaching the knowledge and skills to provide first aid and supportive care through our comprehensive pet first aid courses."

"PetMedics provides peace of mind to pet owners and the pet industry by empowering them with the ability to respond appropriately in emergency situations to gain the best possible outcomes for their pets."

They both say essentially what we want, but they don't "sound right" to me.

Other benefits we offer are: Experience / Expertise, Sense of Relief, Timeliness, Care, Personal Service..

This blurb will be used when talking about our business, on our website, on promotional material (brochures, flyers, etc.)

Any suggestions or assistance with wordsmithing would be greatly appreciated! --We are also considering the need / benefit of a tagline, any ideas there would also be appreciated!

Many Thanks in Advance,

Niccole
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RESPONSES

  • Posted by Jay Hamilton-Roth on 7/30/2009 at 8:35 AM Member
    How about simply, "We provide on-call 24/7 emergency response for your pet and first aid training for you (the pet owner)"?
  • Posted by Mandy Vavrinak on 7/30/2009 at 8:57 AM Member
    Gotta agree with Phil... simpler would be better. Your company needs to connect with pet owners who love and are concerned about their pets. (Pet owners who are not really concerned about their pets won't use or value your service... important to understand your target market isn't all pet owners).

    Too many words, or too many "corporate" or clinical words doesn't foster connection.

    Jay's got a good one, too... maybe use that for your tagline, just drop the parenthetical phrase and the "We provide..." since that can be understood if it's coming from you.

    "On-call 24/7 emergency response for your pet; first aid training for you."

    As far as your boilerplate (the descriptive paragraph about your business), let's take a stab at that...:

    "PetMedics provides 24-hour pet ambulance service with critical care en route plus comprehensive pet first aid courses because we care about your pet's health as much as you do."

    Best wishes... and kudos to you & your team for realizing what you're really offering isn't just the list of services you provide! Let me know if you'd like to talk further about your needs.
    --
    Mandy
  • Posted on 7/30/2009 at 10:33 AM Member
    How about, "We help when your pet is hurt."

    Then go into the part about how you pick up their pet at any time of day or night, stay on the phone with you from the moment we leave our station to the time we reach your home, etc.
  • Posted by steven.alker on 7/30/2009 at 11:28 AM Accepted
    Dear Niccole

    Sounds like the kind of service we get here in the countryside in the UK if you know where to go for it – all power to your campaign.

    Here goes – I rather agree with Jay but I think that his line is just too short to convey what you do, especially with all the additional benefits. In the UK we have to avoid any unwarranted reference to our emergency number but “We’re a 999 service for your pet and first aid trainers for the owner” is used over here.

    Where I think your existing copy is going wrong is shown by your own explanation and brief. Always be very careful when you find the same words you use to talk to professionals cropping up in your copy. To you it looks concise and to the point. To an outsider, it’s probably gobbledygook.

    You use the word “Empower” and variants 3 times in 300 words of post! Put yourself in your happy client’s shoes:

    “How did you feel when Fido broke his leg last night?”
    “Because we had PetMedic ambulance cover, I felt empowered”

    And the same thing goes for every other bit of vet or management speak. Don’t put words into your customers mouths unless they would be comfortable using them. Also “empowering the pet community” is a concept I’d like to take up with my old pals in Behavioural Psychology. You can do a lot with cognitive training with a pet but getting them to understand the benefits of ambulance cover to the extent that they feel empowered by it would certainly defeat the boxer who is chewing my shoe to make me take him for a walk.

    This gobbledygook has had some wonderful repercussions in the UK in the public sector. Consultant speak resulted in parents of school children being sent a report by their education department about their school which said, “There were early indications that an aspiration to iconic beconicity in the educational interface was visible” which translates as “It looks as though class-room teaching might be improving”

    If you can avoid making similar mistakes (OK - at a less insane level) you can get a much better reception for your message.

    Best wishes


    Steve

  • Posted on 7/30/2009 at 6:14 PM Author
    Thanks for all the fantastic feedback!

    What do you think of something more along the lines of:

    "PetMedics is about providing peace of mind. Our 24-hour ambulance service means we are there if your pet needs us, and our comprehensive pet first aid courses give you the skills and knowledge to respond if your pet needs you."

    Still doesn't quite roll off the tongue..

    The most common thing we hear when we respond to a call-out is some variation of "I was so relieved when you said you could come" and from people who haven't used us yet "it's such a peace of mind to know you are there if we need you". I am trying desperately to convey that sense of relief and that Yes, We Can Help. Unfortunately my science-y non-business non-marketing background wants to keep everything too clinical (or as Steve rightly described it: Gobbeldygook)!

    Thanks again to everyone who has taken the time (or will take the time) to help out- it's greatly appreciated!
  • Posted by steven.alker on 7/30/2009 at 7:08 PM Member
    It might not roll off the tongue but it's about 134% better (Approximately) Does it have to roll or does it have to do a job for you like interest people enough to read the next paragraph or the whole blurb? If that was the goal you are getting nearer. If you want it to roll, you are also getting nearer.

    Tell you what, do it in verse and set it to music. Then work backwards to something that won’t have people lobbing bricks at your office!

    Oops - you see I'm a scientist too – I just turned left into sales and marketing rather than right into the post-doc labs and I never got over “fiddling the results from what you don’t want to see happening” as the most useful undergraduate technique ever invented!

    Steve
  • Posted on 8/5/2009 at 8:45 AM Author
    Thanks again for everyone's help. We're still playing around with wording, but I think we're finally thinking "simpler."

    Cheers!

    Nic
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