Question

Topic: Copywriting

Short Copy For Flyer Of A Tourist Lodge.

Posted by fla on 8/11/2009 at 12:07 AM ET 200 Points
We run a tourist lodge and want to convince prospects to spend the night/s "with us" since competitors do not offer the comfort and the attention to the client/tourists. Too often tourists discover too late that -in order to save some money- they went to an uncomfortable and unfriendly place.

We want to warn them that due to the altitude (3,500 m. above sea level) a comfortable accommodation and helpful hosts are a must. We have written a short copy for the flyer which says:

SIDE ONE:
Start to experience the highlands at Terrace Lodge, a pleasant environment with European management.
The process of acclimatization demands your body a comfortable, warm and tranquil accommodation in order to be fit and enjoy the highlands beauties.
Tomorrow you will probably be at 4,500 meters or more, where 50% of the oxygen will be missing. To sleep comfortably is a must at this altitude.
Follow our dos & don’ts tips and You will get the most of your adventure.
Come to know us! Call 1234 now or visit www.terracelodge.com


SIDE TWO:
This warm and welcoming place, with personalized service, provides the security for you and your family to rest. With the necessary comforts in your room and efficient services so you can pause for a moment... connect to the Internet, upload and send your pictures to friends and family.
At “Terrace” we will answer your how-to’s and help You to feast your eyes.

We are asking MktgProfs members to give their opinion, suggestion and critics about that copy.
Sincere thanks.
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RESPONSES

  • Posted by Gary Bloomer on 8/11/2009 at 8:23 AM Accepted
    Dear Flavio and Patrizia,

    Hmm. 3,500 metres (11,400 feet) up in the Chilean mountains, eh?

    From what I've seen in photographs, the landscape you have (literally in your backyard) is spectacularly beautiful. It reminds me of the Pirin Mountains of Bulgaria: similar altitude, similar landscapes, and all breathtaking ... and in more ways than one.

    I've never been to Chile (which, if anyone reading the question had looked at their contact page, is where they are), and with this in mind it might well be the case that English may not ordinarily be your first language.

    How many English speakers could write fluid, fluent copy in French or Spanish and make it flow, make it sound as if it was written by a native speaker?

    Not many.

    I see what you're trying to do and rather than say your copy's crap (which it isn't), it IS obvious that English isn't your mother tongue, which is the primary thing here counting against you.

    BUT ... this is easy to fix.

    As far as a flavour is concerned, one thing to consider is to look
    at the websites and sales material of other lodges at the same altitude, (although not necessarily lodges in Chile), but lodges that cater to a similar crowd: walkers, hikers, adventurers, backpackers.

    Then decide what stories you want to tell.

    What is it about YOUR area that's so attractive, what pulls people in? There is romance in this area (not passionate love), but the romance of the adventurer.

    Find it.

    Pull it out into the light of the modern world and use it as a backdrop against which to set your tale. What draws people to Putre? And why do they want to visit Lauca National Park?

    The whole acclimatization thing is just part of the why of the story.
    You need to fill in the blanks and you do this by asking current guests. Just tell them you want to update your marketing material and ask them to tell you in their own words what it is about the area that attracts them.

    Stories like this make great examples of social proof.

    Write a list of the points you want to make, clarify the languages you want to make those points in, and then contact a list of writers via e-lance (www.elance.com).

    Make it crystal clear to each e-lance writer that they must be a native speaker of English, or Spanish, or French (the main languages on your site) and make it clear that each translation MUST MATCH its counterpart.

    This way, your TOTAL message (in whatever language it's written), in will be the same.

    And move forward from there, both with your printed material and your website.

    I hope this helps.

    Gary Bloomer
    Wilmington, DE, USA


  • Posted on 8/11/2009 at 9:06 AM Moderator
    Great advice above. This is a situation where you probably ought to have a professional copywriter do the job.

    Your challenge is to write a Creative Brief that lays out very clearly what the brochure is supposed to communicate, who the primary target audience is, what key points need to be made, any limitations, etc. If you find the right copywriter, the Creative Brief will be the most important document of all.

    Think of the Creative Brief as the spec sheet for the copywriting assignment and compare the submission to your creative brief. It will be the standard by which the work is judged.

    P.S. As Gary mentions, it's really important to get the emotional stuff in the brochure. Have the copywriter (or a market researcher) talk to recent guests to see what THEY liked and how their experience can be communicated to your audience.
  • Posted by fla on 8/11/2009 at 12:19 PM Author
    Thanks to all for now. Here the full story of that "copy". I gave it to a local "pro" (hmm..!), who delivered something worst than what I have changed and you all have read.

    1- The "European management" is important because locals (Chilean in this area) are really not helpful and do not know who/what a tourist is. They not even speak a second language. Foreign tourist in general know that europeans do a better job. 3 out of 4 guests are from Europe.

    2- "...acclimatization demands..." means that at this altitude most people feel sick at least during the first day. If they spend the night in a room that is not heated and comfortable they will feel even worse the day after. Result? They get sick, they can't see what they wanted and sometimes they must descend to lower altitudes. Some clients tell us: "fortunately we have chosen a comfortable room and you helped us to solve some of our problems", or.... "many thanks for your useful tips on do's & dont's". These last sentences are what we want to tell our prospects.

    3- To write the copy in a good english is not a problem. It will be done by a native, possibly the same who will finally write the "real copy".

    4- Since we did not like the copy you have just read we decided to get opinions from this forum, which is always a guardian of our decisions.

    5- For people not in this business (copy) is not easy to recognize a pro from a amateur.

    Thanks to all again. Soon we will assign points.

  • Posted by Jay Hamilton-Roth on 8/11/2009 at 12:56 PM Accepted
    Here's one starting point for your rewrite:

    "Start your exploration of the Northern Chilean Altiplano in comfort. Because of altitude of the surrounding terrain, begin acclimatization in a pleasant environment pampered by European management..."
  • Posted by fla on 8/11/2009 at 1:06 PM Author
    Hi Jay. I like it. Thanks.
  • Posted by fla on 8/13/2009 at 11:50 AM Author
    Thanks to all. Question is closed and points have been assigned.
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