Question

Topic: Copywriting

Am I Progressing?

Posted by JerryC-PA on 2/17/2011 at 8:48 AM ET 25 Points
Does this paragraph sound more benefit oriented?

We will fix your car. We will relieve the stress and frustration associated with your tricky auto electrical issues.
You will get the fastest most reliable service by letting us estimate and repair your car.
We are dedicated and specialized, which provides a depth of knowledge and good techniques that ensure accurate dependable repairs and a high degree of customer satisfaction.

Do I still talk too much about myself?
Jerry
www.KeystoneAutoElectrical
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RESPONSES

  • Posted by Jay Hamilton-Roth on 2/17/2011 at 9:23 AM Accepted
    Most of what you wrote is what I'd assume in working with a company like yours. Tell me why you, and only you, is the right choice for me. If you have an appropriate story, share it.
  • Posted by JerryC-PA on 2/17/2011 at 9:32 AM Author
    Thanks for the input, I'll keep trying.
  • Posted on 2/17/2011 at 10:34 AM Accepted
    *Auto electrical problem? Look at our 100% success rate!*

    Just off the top of your head, how many cars do you think we fixed this month? 20? 50? 100?

    Well, we totalled 210 fixed. That's 210 cars, 210 BIG problems, and 210 problems disappeared.

    How's that for a 100% success rate?

    You see - we don't see your auto as a car or truck. What we see is around eight miles of electrical cable linked to an on-board computer, linked to around forty or more electrical devices.

    You want every one of those devices to work, and that's why we specialise in one of the most complicated and trouble-prone auto repair areas.

    Electrics is not an area for amateurs, general mechanics or DIY. If you don't know what your doing, you are in big trouble.

    That's why our customers keep our number on their mobile phones and in their address books. Here it is: xxx xxx xxx

    Peter

    Excuse some of the English phrases and the wild guesses for numbers and miles of cable etc. Normally, this kind of copy is created following an interview. You have a fascinating, complicated and vital trade - you just have to communicate that. And why your customers need you to lend a helping hand.
  • Posted by Gary Bloomer on 2/17/2011 at 7:47 PM Accepted
    Dear Jerry,

    To answer your question: no, you still talk about yourself
    just as much as you talk about your customer.

    To test your copy, try this:

    https://www.futurenowinc.com/wewetext.htm

    Gary Bloomer
    The Direct Response Marketing Guy™
    Princeton, NJ, USA
  • Posted by JerryC-PA on 2/21/2011 at 9:45 PM Author
    A sincere thanks to all of you.
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