Question

Topic: Copywriting

Help With A Few Sentences

Posted by JerryC-PA on 12/11/2011 at 5:03 PM ET 50 Points
Hi everyone,
Would you please compare these sentences and give your opinion on which one is more effective?

!. Call and consult with us about your specific battery issue. If our expertise isn’t evident, you lose nothing.

Alternate.
Consult with us about your specific battery issue. Our expertise will be evident.

2. Doesn’t it make sense to have someone who specializes in nothing but auto electrical systems evaluate and repair your car?

Alternate.
It makes sense to have someone who specializes in auto electrical systems evaluate and repair your car.


If you go to this page you can see how I'm using them at this point.
https://www.keystoneautoelectrical.com/ppc/car-battery-problem.html

Thanks for your input.
Jerry


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RESPONSES

  • Posted on 12/11/2011 at 5:28 PM Accepted
    Hi Jerry,
    I'd suggest simplifying the first one, something like this: Call us for a free assessment of your specific battery issue.
    [The word free is very clear and powerful. The book "Predictably Irrational" by Dan Ariely has some interesting stuff about that.]

    Then maybe:
    Car electrical systems are complex, and battery draining problems can be difficult to repair correctly. Doesn’t it make sense to have your car evaluated and repaired by someone who specializes in nothing but auto electrical systems?
    [I'd suggest putting those two together, and I moved the "specializes in nothing but auto electrical systems" to the end so it would hit a little harder, so to speak. Because that's really your big thing. Also, questions are good because they make the person come to their own conclusion, which they will likely then deem brilliant.]
    Just some thoughts! Have a good one!
  • Posted by marketbase on 12/11/2011 at 9:37 PM Accepted
    For consideration:

    [HEADLINE] Car Battery Problem?

    [COPY BODY] Car electrical problems are complex and battery draining troubles can be difficult to repair correctly. It makes sense to have your car evaluated and repaired by someone who specializes in auto electrical systems. We will fix your car battery problem. It''s all we do.

    [CALL TO ACTION] Call 482-401-7280 today for a free assessment.

    [SIGN-OFF] Logo/company name, info.
  • Posted on 12/12/2011 at 9:13 AM Accepted
    The alternate versions are better because they don't paint a negative word picture. Phrases like "... if our expertise isn't evident ..." and "... specializes in nothing but ..." leave people thinking about the negative. The alternate statements are all positive.
  • Posted by Sher Miller on 12/12/2011 at 4:52 PM Accepted
    mgoodman is absolutely correct. In addition, the alternate statements are simpler and easier to understand. They are also more active...if you can say one sentence is more active than another. They're more agressive. And in the alternate of sentence 2 you are making a statement of fact, rather than asking an opinion. It is, by far, the stronger sentence. There are certain characteristics that make sentences more comprehensible and effective: active voice, concise wording, clear point, positive attitude and correct structure. Keep those in mind and it's hard to go wrong.
  • Posted by JerryC-PA on 12/12/2011 at 10:58 PM Author
    Thank you all for your help, I've tweaked a landing page to reflect what I think will work for me. This isn't the landing page I showed you in my question but I think your input will apply to it, and my others as well. Here is what it looks like.

    https://www.keystoneautoelectrical.com/ppc/auto-electrical-problems.html

    Jerry
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