Know-How Exchange : Copywriting

Shelley,

I read your site in it's entirety and did not find a single unprofessional "vibe".

However, I can see the need for techical info and elaboration on your products and services page:

Perhaps you can create pages from each product/service brief that explain the process in more detail, give more testemonials, etc.

In addition, have your "techies" construct technical data in the form of a table (see www.garmin.com). By following Garmin's lead, you will see they give brief descriptions, then lead you to more specific info "geek tables' that go into all the techno-babble. This way you apeal to everyone.

Just a thought...

Casual tone can mean communicative tone – the site reads just fine. Maybe if I were doing a hard edit, I’d change a few things, but I wouldn’t make it more 'corporate” in tone.

My Vote: OK as is

Hey Shelly,

I agree with both Jett and Kcrowson. I loved the tone of the entire website (it worked for me) because it did not come across overbearing like some websites I've seen that are trying to promote a product.

I did have a love/hate feel for the flash on page two after Learn More. In the beginning it was hard for me to focus as I read with it flashing. In the beginning it just seemed to bother my eye. From an artistic stand point maybe there ought to be more distance or space so that this does not infringe on your eyes as you read. But I loved the many ways in which the words evolved and expanded the depth of my understanding.

I would also recommend more details for the techies. This will broaden your ability to reach more people in their own learning style or (their own language).

Keep up the great work and thanks for inviting us in to comment on this project. Is there anything else I can do for you?

My overall impression is that you are aiming too low in the organization. The operations folks have a working procedure NOW to get field data - why do they want to spend money to rock the boat and retrain all their staff? I believe you need to hit high level business benefits (and I agree that case studies could help)...

... and the CEO or VP is not "hungry for field data". Many don't deal with data at all, but rather with analysis and trends. They have "indians" who get the data... and I believe strongly in the maxim, "Chiefs talk to chiefs, and indians talk to indians". Put a couple quotes from CEOs of companies who have benefitted from your offering - and they will be speaking the language of your prospects...

... and focus on verticals where you have experience, where time is money, and where field update and integration is key (e.g. courier services ?)