Question

Topic: Copywriting

How Can I Improve This Sales Letter?

Posted by Anonymous on 6/30/2006 at 7:05 PM ET 1250 Points
Folowing is the standard mailout letter i send with the media kit for the direct mail coupon magazine that I sell advertising for... Suggestions for improvement would be MUCH appreciated!

Dear Prospect Name:

**************************************************************

Do you EXPECT your advertising to PAY FOR ITSELF?

**************************************************************

If so, Texas Gold Magazine, the full-color, glossy, direct mail, shopping magazine published by the Austin American-Statesman, is worth taking a closer look at.

Texas Gold delivers more “high interest” content for the consumer. Featuring restaurants, home improvement, health & beauty, auto care, retail shops and so much more, Texas Gold has a thing or two for everyone. This translates into more consumers placing a higher perceived value on the magazine, keeping and using it for a longer period of time. Each magazine has a potential shelf life of six weeks or more.

Texas Gold delivers more distribution for your advertising dollar. The magazine utilizes cooperative direct mail and its unique format to deliver your advertising message and special offers to more mailboxes for far less money than most direct mail products in the Austin market. Your ad in more mailboxes means more new customers walking through your doors and ringing your phones.

Texas Gold delivers the homes you want to reach. It is mailed to over 250,000 homes in suburban Austin ten times a year. Distribution is strategically zoned into five local magazines of approximately 50,000 homes each to allow your ad to reach the potential customers closest to your business or best suited to your target customer demographics.

It all adds up to advertising that works. Since the majority Texas Gold ads feature tracking devices, our clients can track profit dollars brought in by their ad. In most cases, our advertisers renew because Texas Gold is paying for itself and bringing in a nice profit!

Please take a look at the enclosed media kit and call me directly at 979-587-2828 if I can answer any questions or be of service to you.

Sincerely,



David W. Flash
Account Executive
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RESPONSES

  • Posted on 7/1/2006 at 5:11 AM Accepted
    All in all a good letter. Perhaps you could change the opening question to a strong statement. Make your advertising dollars work HARDER for you. Next paragraph- With Texas Gold magazine you can... Also don't end your sentence with the word 'at'. (I just did.) Shorten third paragraph. One sentence has 34 words in it . Too much. You don't want to loose your potential clients. Can you work your distribution numbers closer to top of the letter? They are good to know early on and will help to keep their attention. Just some suggestions. Hope it will help.
  • Posted on 7/1/2006 at 5:26 AM Accepted
    Dave - here's the thing. Tear up that standard letter and write an original one. You actually have something important your prospects value that you can trade: information.

    Tell them you'd like to share information on how other companies are doing, bringing in leads and sales with coupons.

    You don't need to give names, or any confidential information away. But you can draw paralels with other 'similar companies'. Tell them about conversion rates and ROI. Tell them how other companies are growing by using the simplest but most direct of all marketing methods: the coupon.

    Any CEO or marketing director worth his salt will want to talk to you. Your letter can be just two paragraphs. Personal. And don't worry - they will want to talk to you. You are their connection with the world of the consumer. Tell them that.

    Let me know how it goes!

    Peter Hobday

  • Posted by michael on 7/1/2006 at 11:09 AM Accepted
    Dave,

    Try this:

    ++++++++++++
    Top 5 reasons why your advertising DOESN'T pay for itself
    ++++++++++++

    1) The content is useless to your target audience.

    2) Wasted distribution

    3) Insufficient tracking systems


    (After each one of these, just a quick note about the importance of each...not sales information about Texas Gold, but useful information that will help the prospect make a good buying decision.)

    Visit our website and enter code STINKYADS or USELESSADS to download a checklist/whitepaper/etc that will help you make the best use of your advertising dollars.

    ++++++++++++++++++++++++++

    From THAT list is where you start your targeted sales pitch.


    Michael






  • Posted on 7/1/2006 at 2:58 PM Accepted
    hi-

    blah blah

    blah blah

    points:

    1.

    2.

    3.

  • Posted on 7/1/2006 at 9:46 PM Accepted
    Agree with Deni 418

    I personally started to read it and after reading the first 3 words got bored and scroled down.

    Bullet points

    I read somewhere that you should stick your sales letter on a wall and stand back 6 feet, if it doesn't make your point when you look at it from 6 feet it is worthless.

    Look at the stuff you get in the mail and consider what captures your attention, likely that format will also capture your prospects attention.
    Gary
  • Posted by darcy.moen on 7/2/2006 at 10:33 PM Member
    From a potential customer point of view, I'll let you in n a secret, I only care about what you can do for me!

    You claim your advertising works, great, PROVE IT! If its so good, why not back it up with a guarantee? Yes, that's right, it your advertising is such a good thing, guarantee the customer a result. Guarantee them at least the cost of the ad back, or you refund the difference (up to 100 percent of what the ad costs). That would get some attention, and it would show you are serious. It also is one heck of a statement about your confidence in your services. I tell you, I hear it from advertisers all the time, my radio staion does this, my TV ads pull that...but when I ask them to back it up with a guarantee, they all run for the hills. I guess none of them are willing to back up their wild claims.

    Drop your first two paragraphs, and add you gurantee to the third, and close. There, now your letter is short, sweet, tells the prosepct what you will do for them, and what you will do for them if the advertising doesn;t perform. Sales letter done, and time to simply pick up the contracts and deposit the checks. Right, if only it was that easy.

    Darcy Moen
    Customer Loyalty Network
  • Posted by Deremiah *CPE on 7/3/2006 at 9:10 PM Accepted
    Hey Coupon man,

    I hope you're doing great today!

    Do you know the qualities a Great direct letter should have? Well if you don't you could almost learn for FREE right here on the internet...did you know that?

    "That's right you could learn for FREE" or I could teach you a little.



    MOST PEOPLE HATE READING BORING COPY...

    I've read many letters that bore the heck out of me. But you know what the really great letters do to me? They grab my attention and say,

    "Hey buddy read this!"


    GREAT COPY REALLY SUCKS!!!
    Not in a bad way...I mean in a really good way. They suck me in --Head first-- all the way up to my tippy, toes.

    You know like a tornado sucks in houses, and cars and bikes. That's how a great letter works. Are you still with me? Now think about this...

    DO YOU THINK YOUR LETTER DOES THAT?

    I could tell you more. But if I haven't kept your attention I'm wasting your time. (And that's what BAD sales letters do.)


    A GREAT LETTER KEEPS YOUR ATTENTION...

    Reading a great direct mail piece is like having "The World's BEST Sales Woman" right in front of you, guiding you, and compelling you to make the smartest decision you need to make right now.

    As a matter of fact she makes it sound so-o-o-ooo good to you, that in the back of your mind you're thinking..."Man if I don't buy this deal from her right now, I'm goanna kick myself".


    GREAT COPY TALKS TO YOU...

    It's like she's talking directly to you (in this letter) and ONLY YOU using a conversational voice. Do you see what I'm saying?

    Do you think your letter does that?

    I could tell you more but I'm not sure you're still reading. Are you there?

    Well if you are make sure you take out more time with your headline. You should write more than 3 or 4 dozen headlines before you ever go public. I really want to help you because I believe you can write a much better letter. It's in you!

    Also remember our only real problem in life is our failure to be more creative than we’ve ever been before. If you “Invent” your opportunity YOU WILL create your future. Is there anything else I can do for you?

    Your Servant, Deremiah, *CPE (Customer Passion Evangelist)

    PS
    no copy can really be too long...just too boring.

  • Posted by Tatyiana on 7/7/2006 at 4:21 PM Accepted

    “We are striving to deliver discounts to consumers via a magazine filled with visually appealing ads...with good, simple sales copy...and compelling coupons or offers.”

    I would never have gotten that from your letter. But this is you, right? Truthfully, I would never have read it. But there you said and even though it is a little wordy… it tells me more than your entire letter does.

    I am a MarCom Manager and get solicited about 10 - 15 times a week for some form of advertising or sponsorship that gets through the gauntlet. I would NEVER read this letter. Why? I don’t have time. If it takes you that many words to explain to me the concept…..you need to rethink your messaging.

    What do I look at? Anything that is clever and colourful. Crazy simple I know – but unless someone brings it to me that says I just “have’ to read it, I would have passed this one over. I have more paper on my desk and emails in my mailbox than enough. If it isn’t standing out…. it isn’t getting read.

    Pretty vague, I know.

    David, I think you need to take a step back and figure out your key messages are and state them – simply and not worry about sounding so professional and … serious. If, “Texas Gold delivers more “high interest” content for the consumer” – show me. Bait me. Use yourself as the example. Make me want to be you! Make me think, hmph – that worked. At the end of the day even though I am in marketing… I am still a consumer who goes shopping at the grocery store and buys because of I like what I see, not because it is rational.


    What do I want out of advertising? ROI. How to I get it? You are apparently going to show me, right? Give me stats in a box. You can actually help me track it? Give me the numbers for success.

    Poke fun at traditional advertising by being more clever.

    Throw out your letter and white board some ideas. If this is a direct mail piece, I think that a yellow post it on a white background with the words, “Advertisements. We get it. They don’t. I’ll prove it – call me. 979-587-2828”
    David, Account Executive

    The rest of the information is in the media kit.

    My suggestion – get a bottle of wine, a white board and just start writing what you want to say, in the simplest terms. You might be surprised what you come up with.

    T.
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