Question

Topic: Advertising/PR

Business Letter Help Needed!! Please:(

Posted by Anonymous on 10/21/2009 at 1:41 PM ET 125 Points

I am lost:(

I have started my letter very confidently, but I completely lost the point in the middle and I need expert advice to get it sorted

Could you please help me to make the following letter ready to be sent big corporate guys?

I am struggling with selling the features and benefits of my product and giving them an option how to send it back to us after signing the agreement?

Thank you in advance..



Invitation to participate in MaxiMore Voucher Book Bromley Edition, Completely free of charge…




Dear Matt,

You are cordially invited to participate in our exciting publication which is designed to help organizations to attract new customers, sustain growth and maximize profit as well as to give consumers the opportunity to save money on their everyday essentials right in the neighbourhood.

In addition to solutions that we offer our business partners and consumers, we also aim to support local schools, charity groups or any other non-profit organisations by offering them the opportunity to raise funds more easily and efficiently.

By promoting your products and services with MaxiMore Voucher Book you will not only supplement and improve your current marketing efforts, you will also be able to benefit from marketing your brand to the right people in the right place


• Promote your business in Maximore Voucher Book for an entire year
• Catch the attention of new customers and generate more revenue.
• Create powerful word of mouth advertising.
• Gain a better competitive advantage.
• Earn high regards from the local community by supporting a good cause.

If you are interested participating in the Maximore Voucher Book 2010 Bromley Edition, please fill in the enclosed form at your earliest convenience and return it us via post to our registered office, 42 Cedarhurt Elstree Hill Bromley BR14JR

Please note that due to high demand and limited space available in our book, it may be necessary to give priority to businesses that provide the most valuable offers to consumers.

We sincerely hope that your company will consider us as a long term partner and we strongly look forward to enter into a mutually beneficial relationship.



Yours faithfully,

Deniz Turan
Managing Director
MaxiMore Digital Media Ltd
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RESPONSES

  • Posted by CarolBlaha on 10/21/2009 at 3:30 PM Accepted
    you will also be able to benefit from marketing your brand to the right people in the right place

    You need to define this-- who are the right people-- where is the right place.

    People who go into this want to know #'s-- how many will this be distributed to?

    You need a call to action. And a degree of urgency. Deadline approaching!

    "if you want" is too passive. To take advantage of this...
  • Posted on 10/21/2009 at 3:37 PM Author
    CarolBlaha,

    Great response, How come I forget these basics? As I said, I' ve spend too much time on it but I've forgot the basics...

  • Posted on 10/21/2009 at 4:17 PM Accepted
    You're talking about yourself too much. "Matt" doesn't care about your exciting opportunity. He cares that you can get him more business or increase his return on investment.

    Draw the reader in... tell your story.. create a picture in his mind of what he'll get by participating.

    Be more specific about what he'll get and the benefits he'll receive. If part of the proceeds go to local charities or schools, name them. Name the percentage too.

    Rather than asking, if they're interested tell them clearly to fill out the form and mail it back.

    Make a PROMISE
    Paint a PICTURE
    Provide PROOF
    Make a PUSH (call to action)
  • Posted on 10/21/2009 at 5:05 PM Author
    Wow, very good advise!!

    I've visited your website kaplancopy.com, you have great articles..

    Now is the most difficult part for me, to put them all together in one letter!!

    :)
  • Posted by Jay Hamilton-Roth on 10/21/2009 at 9:11 PM Accepted
    If you've sold these books before, contact previous advertisers and get some testimonials. Use these to open your letter:

    "John's Boat Repair advertised in the 2009 booklet and got 100 new customers each month!"

    "Jane's Deli saw lunchtime business double from the vouchers."

    People want to know that your offer is effective. Instead of promising distribution, demonstrate results.
  • Posted on 10/22/2009 at 5:59 AM Author
    Hi Jay Hamilton-Roth,

    That's the problem!!

    This is going to be the first edition and I dont have any testimonials...
    I felt very confident until that moment, because it's not a sales letter as I am not asking for money, its a partnership offer to let us promote their products and services.

    Is there anyone could edit the unnecessary words ( Such as talking about our company too much and not mentioning their benefits enough) and create a before and after version?

    That could save my life:) I thik I am trouble with this because,

    english is my secon language
    This is the 1st proposal letter that I am writing







  • Posted by Jay Hamilton-Roth on 10/22/2009 at 9:19 AM Accepted
    Some more questions for you:
    * Is getting listed in your book truly free? There is absolutely no cost to the company?
    * How are you making money in this? Selling voucher books? For how much? Where?
    * Do you have sample books to show how this will look? Will there be ads? A line or two of text? B&W or color?
    * Are you distributing coupons (that must be redeemed), a punch card (that gets punched to ensure the offer is used once), or simply an ad to be used over-and-over?
    * Can you compare/contrast your voucher book to the competition? What is similar? Different?
  • Posted on 10/22/2009 at 1:52 PM Author
    Hi Jay,

    Answer to your questions:

    *it's totaly free to participate in the book, no cost unless customers come too redeem the promotional offer

    *I will sell the book for £19.99, only in their neigbourhood via non-profit organisations, corporate gift, resellers and internet.

    *I can demostrate the sample book which will be full colored with the business logo, address etc

    *To redeem the offers, customers have to hand the the voucher at the check out

    *Our compatition sells the book for 29.99 and they cover much much wider location. ( So have 2 big compatitive advantage!!)

    As I say, the concept is very good and cost nothing to the business unlike advertising via leaflets, media, newspaper their money will not be trawn away!!

    How come I cannot sell these features and benefits which is too good to be true? I really don't know, I would never imagine how important would communicating via short version of business letter:((

  • Posted by Jay Hamilton-Roth on 10/22/2009 at 11:12 PM Accepted
    Given what you've said, start your letter with the facts:

    * You're launching a new voucher business targeting their area.
    * There is no risk - It will cost them absolutely nothing (except to redeem the voucher)
    * You will charge people to purchase the voucher book at a lower price than your competition.
    * The vouchers will be printed in full-color and attractively showcase their business.

    And end your letter with your contact information.
  • Posted by CarolBlaha on 10/23/2009 at 8:26 PM Accepted
    Sir-- your letter has to define the "good" F word-- FREE.
    Sometimes we get too close to the situation.

    I would not go into the detail that you will charge or not charge end users for the book-- and what price. Price is not a good differential. (Don't be a value coupon book) This is where you state you benefit local community groups. It means nothing if its free. Really, if people don't buy your book-- they won't redeem the coupon.

    Adding color, limiting "types" of competing biz, circulation-- and the good F-word-- that is what matters.
  • Posted on 10/23/2009 at 8:44 PM Author
    Thank you very much for great advice!!!

    Here we go!! I've changed few things after recieving very valuable responses from you, and I think it looks better!!

    Do you think that I've managed to fit the important selling points or I've made it even worst?

    Shell I keep it or bin it?? :))




    Invitation to participate in MaxiMore Voucher Book
    1st Edition, completely free of charge…


    You are cordially invited to participate in MaxiMore Voucher Book 2010 Bromley Edition completely free of charge, which is designed to help businesses in Bromley area to attract new customers, sustain growth and maximize profit as well as to give consumers the opportunity to save money on their everyday essentials right in the neighbourhood.

    If you are looking for ways to improve your current local marketing efforts and how to put your business in front of thousands of potential customers at no extra cost, then look no further!! Unlike many of our competitors, we are offering you the opportunity to enjoy the following benefits completely free of charge:

    Advertise in our professional designed Voucher Book and maximore.co.uk for entire year.
    Catch the attention of new customers and generate more revenue.
    Gain a better competitive advantage increase your market share
    Create powerful word of mouth advertising.

    In addition to very cost-effective marketing solutions that we offer you as a potential business partner, we also offer you to the opportunity to earn high regards from the local community by supporting non-profit organizations, as they will keep %20 of their total sales as our Fundraising Partners.

    This is a unique opportunity that you cannot pass up as it will cost you absolutely nothing unless customers redeem your voucher!

    If you are interested participating in the Maximore Voucher Book 2010 Bromley Edition, please fill in the enclosed form at your earliest convenience and return it us via post to our registered office, 42 Cedarhurst Elstree Hill Bromley BR14JR or contact us to arrange demonstration to see how this new product can put your business in front of thousands of potential customers!

    Please note that due to high demand and limited space available in our book, we urge you to contact us no later then 31st October 2009. Alternatively, if you would like us to assist you to find the best solution that fit your business needs, please do not hesitate to contact us at info@maximore.co.uk or 07969479711 to arrange a meeting at your convenience. (Although we will allocate the ad space on first come first serve basis, it may be necessary to give priority to businesses that provide the most valuable offers to consumers.)

    We sincerely hope that your company will consider us as a long term partner and we strongly look forward to enter into a mutually beneficial relationship.

    Yours faithfully,



  • Posted on 10/24/2009 at 12:51 AM Accepted
    Here's a quick rewrite of the first paragraph. I don't have time to do more tonight but I bet others will step in. If not, email me off board.
    BEFORE
    You are cordially invited to participate in MaxiMore Voucher Book 2010 Bromley Edition completely free of charge, which is designed to help businesses in Bromley area to attract new customers, sustain growth and maximize profit as well as to give consumers the opportunity to save money on their everyday essentials right in the neighbourhood.
    AFTER
    Drive revenue with a FREE advertisement in the MaxiMire Voucher Book 2010, Bromley Edition. This book is designed to help local business attract new customers, sustain growth and maximize profits. Your advertisement helps your customers and prospects save money--without even leaving your neighbourhood.
  • Posted on 10/25/2009 at 9:09 PM Author
    Hi All,

    Sorry, I was away for couple of days, I think that my letter looks much better now!!

    Kellyann, thank you soo much for great BEFORE and AFTER version that you've created, I have revised the ''letter'' accordingly,

    All the answers I've recieved so far made a huge difference, so I will be closing the post within 24 hrs unless anyone has a last comment to add to make it ''even better''
    :)

  • Posted on 10/29/2009 at 9:34 AM Author
    Thank you all!!!!
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