Question

Topic: Copywriting

Help Me To Learn How To "surprise Broca"

Posted by Anonymous on 1/2/2005 at 12:40 AM ET 50 Points
Hello,

I am wanting to learn more about how to write engaging and memorable copy for my business ads and Web site. I am a mostly left-brained but right-brained capable.

I am writing some copy for a new service I am offering to Craigslist.org users in the Chicagoland area and thought this the perfect time to ask for assistance.

Below is my version. I do not want someone to write it for me, but "guide" me in the right direction--give my right-brain some exercise.

Help me to learn how to fish for myself.

Thank you in advance.

K. Chris Caldwell

Headline:
Computer and Technology Recycling

Copy:

Wow! You have a new computer and boy is it fast, much faster than your old one. The old one that has served you so well and for so long.

A landfill doesn't seem a fitting end for an old but trusty friend like your old computer, and it's bad for the environment to boot. You picture someone else smiling as they use your old computer to fulfill their dreams, but how do you get it to them?

Connect Computer Services will pick it up from you for free and see to it that your friend is well treated and given a new home.

312-602-2555
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RESPONSES

  • Posted by SRyan ;] on 1/2/2005 at 1:37 AM Accepted
    Hello, K. Chris, and welcome to the forum... don't forget to fill out your Profile page.

    Two things I would change in your copy:

    The headline should say something like "Give your old computer a good home." It's more attention-getting and definitely clearer.

    The body text needs to assure the reader that there is no risk involved. Quickly describe the process, which I hope includes reformatting the hard drive. No one wants to put personal info in the hands of a stranger!

    - Shelley
  • Posted by Billd724 on 1/2/2005 at 5:20 AM Member
    Chris --

    Two excellent posts so it's a hard to add much more! ;-)

    Shelley's right about the headline -- it reflected your perspective on the topic, not your reader's. Also, you might consider using a question to 'hook' your reader -- ex. "Where DO old PC's go?" This leads to a nice way to lead into your body copy.

    And a compliment for Frances. Using the 'friends and clients' network for feedback is not only inexpensive, easily accessed and very revealing . . . it's also quite accurate!

    Good luck with the left-right brain thing . . . I'm in sales and communications and my brother became an actuary. I know the differences are great but kudos to you for seeking to make the most of each!

    Happy New Year!

    Bill
  • Posted by SRyan ;] on 1/4/2005 at 4:31 AM Member
    MUCH better! One change to consider...

    Instead of, "end its days polluting the environment," I would say "end its days in your closet or, even worse, in a landfill."

    Or perhaps, "end its days leaking toxic material in your local dump."

    The way that line is currently written, it's a speed bump in the paragraph. It makes me pause to think, 'What does THAT mean?'

    You don't want to interrupt the flow with something that has any chance of confusing your reader.

    Good luck!!

    ps. What or who is Broca?
  • Posted by SRyan ;] on 1/4/2005 at 6:41 AM Member
    I think the "famous movie" was a flop in U.S. theaters -- an animated feature called All Dogs Go To Heaven.

    If you look at the pricing and reviews on Amazon, you'll see that the market value of the film is currently 25 cents.

    Maybe a better film reference and headline would be, "They shoot horses (PCs), don't they?"

    Just kidding. ;]
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