Question

Topic: Copywriting

Can You Improve This Sales Letter?

Posted by Anonymous on 6/19/2006 at 4:32 AM ET 125 Points
Below is a proposed sales letter from a design agency directed to Mktng Mgrs and CEOs of businesses within the manufacturing, professional services and housing industries. Letter is accompanied by a brief portfolio of samples. The primary function of the letter is to arrange a face-to-face meeting after the follow-up phone call.

1. Please critique the content and make suggestions for improvements.

2. Besides the recipient's details, should the outer envelope be printed with a message? If so, what?

Bill Cook
Marketing Manager
Sample Company
Sample Address

Bill: Are you killing off potential customers because of badly designed marketing material?

How much business are you losing because your marketing tools aren't doing their job?

Does your brochure and website look just like the competition? Is your visual branding old-fashioned and in need of an update?

Could your company logo do with a revamp?

To communicate and connect with your potential customers, you’ve got to design it right. Because if you don't, your competition is just a sideways glance away. And once those customers are gone, they're probably gone forever.

So if your packaging, point-of-sale and promotions aren’t doing their job, it's time to raise the standard. To do that, you’ll need a local design agency that can craft and shape marketing material into vehicles that will propel your business to a whole new level.

At (company name), we've specialised in creative communications for over 20 years. As experts in both business-building strategies and creativity, we've been helping clients grow their businesses using a variety of services including design, advertising, online strategies and marketing consultancy.

Want to know more? Take a look at the enclosed material for services, testimonials and other information about how we can help. Then book a Design Action Audit when we call next week. It’s a brief, no-obligation meeting to discuss your strategy. You’ll get ideas and advice on how to improve the standard of your marketing material.

But first, go online and check out the free stuff – our Design Tips for Better Business Pack, which includes:

* 5 Deadly Design Mistakes – Are They Killing Your Business? special report
* 10 Ways to Make Your Marketing More Creative special report
* A complimentary subscription to the monthly newsletter – designthinking

This $89 value is yours FREE. Just enter your first name and primary e-mail address.

I look forward to sharing a few business-building ideas with you.

Signature

P.S. Isn’t it time to give your business a boost? Either book when I call, phone or e-mail me today to arrange your no-obligation Design Action Audit, (email address; telephone number).

P.P.S. Don’t forget to ask for the FREE Better Business Pack. Register at (web address).


So, KHE's, would you book a meeting based on this letter (let's assume you found the enclosed portfolio interesting and relevant)? All suggestions gratefully received.
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RESPONSES

  • Posted on 6/19/2006 at 7:08 AM Member
    Steve - yours is a wonderfully puzzling question! There is no answer, of course, but here are some pointers:

    1. No-one can guess if a letter will work. You can only tell by the response it achieves

    2. Your letter, however, probably isn't as good as your design work! (Different expertise required)

    3. Your request that the reader visits your website diverts them from your primary purpose: to contact you for a discussion.

    4. Your target market will have seen thousands of similar letters, so I suggest an alternative approach to ensure your prospects pick up the phone.

    5. For 'An alternative approach' to be effective, you'll need an effective copywriter.

    6. Don't mean to be negative! It's just the way these things go. I'm a writer, so I wouldn't try to design a magazine for example.

    Best wishes

    Peter Hobday
  • Posted on 6/19/2006 at 9:48 AM Member
    Dear Ozdesign,

    I've worked for 15 years agency side (branding + package design) as well as client side (Marketing Director). My biggest comment is this - when I speak with a company who professes to be an expert in a certain field, I expect to see them demonstrate their expertise in how they approach me as a potential client.

    You state in your email that your expertise lies in "CREATIVE COMMUNICATIONS". However, your letter can be greatly improved in both instances (creativity & communications). Here are a few of my comments:

    1. Who are you targeting with this letter? A sound marketing initiative should be strongly routed in strategy (i'll touch on this in other points as well). You need to clearly define who it is you want to speak with. From the tone of the letter, it appear you are targeting business that do not have a strong marketing focus or unsavvy and young marketers. I say this because no marketer worth their salt thinks their "marketing tools aren't doing their job" - that's what they're there for. Put yourself in your prospective targets position. Marketers are looking for results. If you want to take the angle that their brand communications are not doing an effective job, then don't take a generic approach to the letter - be specific, do an analysis on their brand.

    2. The letter is far too long. Cut it down to 3 pgphs max. Change some of the copy to bullet points. Create a service wheel to clearly communicate the services you offer. I'm not sure reading this whether you do packaging, web design, brand planning, etc or all of the above. This should be clear to a prospect.

    3. Make the letter creative - you've indicated you'll include a portfolio that will showcase your work, but use the letter to "sound" creative. Grab my attention!

    4. Why not send the letter via email. Create a link that will drive traffic to your website. This will allow you to measure click through.

    5. Speaking from experience, your FREE offer "Design Tips for Better Business" is no offer at all. Virtually every agency worth their salt offers points of view on design / strategy on their websites for free.

    6. Remember, just as you probably communicate to your clients, a brand lives beyond the package, the logo, the ad, etc. A brand must be clearly and consistently communicated throughout every single touch point. Reading your letter, I'm not sure who you are or what you stand for.

    7. I'm a BIG believer in 2 way communication when prospecting. A letter is extremely passive, you can't measure warm results, and it's hard to cut through the clutter to get someone to notice you. I'd highly recommend that you call to follow up on the letters. Use this opportunity to find out more about their business, their challenges, and their drivers to work with an agency. This will help you craft better communications in the future.

    I wish you the best of luck & I hope that my comments will help.

    Very best regards.
  • Posted by Frank Hurtte on 6/19/2006 at 10:38 AM Accepted
    I would do away with the three questions and go straight to what you can do for them. The questions are the part that makes it sound like one of the 100's of junk mailings I have read, received or thrown away over the years.

    That being said, remember a letter not sent gets zip response. Don't be discouraged. If you do not have time to re-do the letter. Send 50 copies out as an "pilot project" test.

    Frank Hurtte
  • Posted on 6/20/2006 at 2:53 PM Accepted
    Steve - realistically, there is no way you can work your way through all that advice and come up with a good sales letter.

    Effective copywriting is a minefield.

    So go for an average letter, and send out what you have. Tell us how you got on. That in itself will be the best lesson you will learn.

    It's how I learned, anyway.

    Peter Hobday
  • Posted by darcy.moen on 6/23/2006 at 2:35 AM Member
    I almost always manage to crack a smile whenever I see a creative agency looking for input how to improve their creative on this forum. :-)

    First off...you are in the design business, you should know this stuff inside and out..what you need us for?

    Second, the only words you need to use in your 'sales' letters is to steer the prospective customer where you want them to go.

    The way I would write my sales letter is:

    Your brand is all about you, and nobody else. Sure, we could show you a portfolio of work we have done for other people, but how would that show you how we see you, or how would that show you how we see others seeing you?

    You

    Ask us to show you how you look.

    Call ###-####

    Small print (if you have to peek, our portfilio is online at.......)


    Yeah, I saw show me what you can do. Show me some commitment, and show me you KNOW what design is about. DO more than the other guys, put some of YOU on the line. I think you'll find that the right customers will flock to you, because you put yourself out first, and you'll get way bigger money for your work.

    Darcy Moen
    Custoemr Loyalty Network
  • Posted on 6/24/2006 at 8:50 AM Member
    Hi Ozdesign,

    I would say that you have a great question ... you are only offering 125 points for this, but you have tons of responses. You may be getting beat up a bit, and I think many others would be having the same problem with this.

    I will take an alternate view. I am not sure that your letter is too long. Maybe lacking a bit of punch, and as one of the respondants said, I am not too sure what you are offering ... logo design? Package design? Creative writing?

    In a letter, don't give them a choice of your services, tell them what they are going to buy from you.

    Also, you are using the fear card a bit "Your marketing is not working", but I always like to focus more on profits. Can you tell them what you have done for past clients? A testimonial or two?

    Also, again on the length. I don't think the length is too long, it is just that the letter is a bit too unfocused. One of the forum members noted that they would scan the letter for something of interest, then bin it. This is very true.

    One way to keep your letter long (but giving them a lot of information in the mean time) and have them focus on the important parts is to hightlight the really important areas of interest in yellow. This is a cheezy thing, but it works. I don't care how cheezy or outdated tactics are if they still make money.

    2 - 4 sentences or phrases, that is all. That way when they scan the letter, they only see the interesting parts first, then will decide if the letter is worth reading or not.

    As for your envelope ... it seems there are two ways to go with it. If you are sending it to small businesses, then I would put some message on the envelope if you have a good one. If you are sending this to corporates, then make sure that the envelope looks exactly like a bill. This helps it find its way into people's inbox, and not the recycle bin.

    Cheers!
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