Question

Topic: Copywriting

Critique My Sales Letter.....

Posted by Anonymous on 3/7/2010 at 6:55 PM ET 50 Points
So, here's the deal; this is my second draft design of a sales letter that will direct attorney's to my landing page. Just wanted to throw it out there and see what ya'll think so far. I use this after visiting an attorney's office & not being able to see him or her. If I change the first paragraph, I can also use it after receiving a referral, or, it can even be used as a "cold" mailing as well.

Please be honest & upfront in your evaluation. I am a working sales professional & writer, so, I can take the "heat" :) I want this letter to be as tight as possible.

Some of the things I need to work on...

1. Try to create more pain, frustration & emotion in the beginning.

2. Maybe some bullets outlining benefits to the attorney (people LOVE bullets. Makes the copier easier to read also).

3. Try to whittle it down & take out all unnecessary words.

So, do let me know your feelings & ideas. It is greatly appreciated!!!

https://www.iwork.com/r/?d=Flat_Fee_Legal_Direct_Mail_-_Business_Card.pages...
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RESPONSES

  • Posted on 3/7/2010 at 7:53 PM Member
    It's a good letter!

    The problem with most letters is they are not written by sales people, but writers. Writers rarely know the important ingredients and procedure to making a sale.

    Perhaps sales people don't write because most are talkers not writers.

    You are capturing names and so you have a two-stage sell. You can go back to those names again and again. As long as you tread carefully and treat the registrants with professional courtesy!

    Peter

  • Posted by Inbox_Interactive on 3/8/2010 at 10:39 AM Accepted
    Sorry to say, but I agree with Phil. You have a very good foundation here...you're credible, you're authentic, and you seem sincere...but you have room for improvement here.

    If I were to do this right, the critique would take a couple of hours. Here are some key things you might focus on, though:

    1. Proofreading. I don't mean grammar...non-perfect grammar is sometimes necessary for a sales letter to work. I'm talking about minor mistakes in spelling or use of apostrophes.

    2. I would lose all these various fonts and bolding and italics and underlining...it's all so "all over the place." Choose one way to make your emphasis and stick with it.

    3. Yes, you could probably take advantage of some bullet points.

    4. Decide what you want the reader to know about and do. If it were me, I would not make any mention whatsoever of your secondary sale or product. You want them to download the book, give them the reasons to do that and be done with it.

    5. Where is the P.S.?

    6. This is long copy...you may want to break it up with sub-heads. A reader should be able to read ONLY the headline and sub-heads and pretty much know everything they need to know.

    7. You stopped by their office and took a card? Really? Is the plan to put a scan of it in the email? Are you going to do these one at a time? Why not personalize the greeting then?

    8. Testimonials. Where are they?

    I start off every copywriting job by looking at the following framework. There are a couple mixed in here together, but they should keep your writing on track:
    ---
    PROBLEM
    PROMISE
    PROOF
    PROPOSITION

    - or -

    WHY ME (THE READER)
    WHY YOU (THE WRITER)
    WHY THIS (OFFER)
    WHY NOW (URGENCY, SCARCITY)
    WHY THIS PRICE (VALUE)

    Headlines - the "big idea" - the "four Us"

    USEFUL
    URGENT
    UNIQUE
    ULTRA-SPECIFIC

    A big idea is an idea that is instantly comprehended as important, exciting, and beneficial. It also leads to an inevitable conclusion, a conclusion that makes it easy to sell your product. Furthermore, it is an idea that will continue to be important and exciting for a long time.
    ---
    I do believe that you have something on which to build here, but if you want to put your best foot forward, you may want to hire a copywriter to put a little polish on it.

    I am sure you will get some other feedback, and I wish you the best of luck.

    Regards,

    Paul
  • Posted on 3/8/2010 at 10:50 AM Author
    Hi guys. Thank you for the responses so far.

    I have a few questions, specifically for you Phil.

    First, you did notice that I prefaced my letter by saying it was JUST a second draft, correct?! Meaning, it has a LOT more work to go. Unlike yourself Phil, I normally cannot come up with a working piece on the second draft. Matter of fact, 99% of writers normally have to do SEVERAL revisions BEFORE they even start to make a "drip" of progress. I for one would LOVE to know how you create ANY kind of winning/finished copy after just (2) drafts?? Care to share???

    Second, as most people know, writing is highly subjective. (10) people can love it & (10) people can hate it. While I did ask for any & all honest criticism's of my work, the reasons WHY it works or doesn't work are MUCH more important than a blanket harsh critique. How does one learn from that?! Unless of course, learning is not the objective. Maybe getting the poster to use the reviewers services becomes the main goal :)

    I am pretty new to this site so far. My experiences have been very worthwhile up to this point. I do look forward to getting to know each of you a bit better in the future. Just a final note. I would venture to say that most people (including myself) absorb things better when we have the HOW or WHY behind a certain lesson. From what I've seen so far while studying the forum, a lot of folks are giving the "quick pill". And a LOT of people are asking for it. A little patience goes a long way sometimes. Remember the old saying; "Give a man a fish & he eats for a day. Teach a man to fish & he eats for a lifetime".
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